Last Post

Sat in Cyprus on holiday currently, and i've been thinking a little on taking last steps away from this whole business...

Ive gone (too many times) 'this is the last day' or 'this is the last thought/prayer' and it hasn't been. But i think i can honestly say that now, i leave what was left of a heart for Maddy in Cyprus.

So now, life will go on...

Thank you.

I think your making things worse now, blog.

Its just not a level playing field - she can see all the thoughts i post (honest and difficult truths) and she doesnt give me the same, out of conversation or messages or anything.

That makes me feel weak. Pathetic, like a dying soul of a man, clutching helplessly at the ankles of his former lover who is on the arms of an envied, hated man.

Im not sure if i can do it anymore, blog. Im really not.

Everything i do isn't good enough. Every mistake i make either sticks around or its consequences are eternally present and unforgiven. Any steps i take to try and help myself are immediately blocked. My life, which at one point felt so amazingly, spontaneously perfect is now swept away into something that now really isnt worth living.

I really hope i get out of this alive, butwhat hope is there for life without it's purpose of loving to be loved.

God, i hope i make this...

Another article

This time, its www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

Its about introverts who don't leave the house and barely have the emotional energy to get up in the morning. It develops into a mental illness.

Its quite an eye-opener, as during my time spent not talking to anyone, i didn't leave my room except to go to work. And there i talked to no one around me.

Its quite shocking to read that this 'hikikomori', or an extreme withdrawal, is about the worse case scenario of what i could have become. Luckily for me, i snapped out of it. Heartbreak woke me up, but God saved me from the dark aftermath.

It reads that these 'otaku', those with hikikomori introvertism, are not emotionally dead, but are somewhat emotionally overwhelmed, to the point where they just shut down. I think thats actually how i felt.

After all, i panicked for those two weeks, and tried to shut out the world so that i wouldn't have to face the delusionally imagined nightmare-world where i had to choose between Maddy and God; between my personal dreams and our collective dreams. Of corse, i realise now that it was never a choice that had to be made; i could love both my God AND my Girl, and our personal ambitions had shaped our shared ones. I was so foolish and that's a regret i have to live with, because she's not forgiving me and shes not coming back.

And that means there was never any closure. That means that it still hurts to think of her with someone else, casting me aside and never responding to the Very occasional hello.

It's Crap.

Anyway, in the article, an expert points out that 'young people in western societies frequently "take time out" in gap years or have "false starts" on careers or courses' and all 'without attracting stigma'. This is why no-one realised that i was spiralling downwards, it's just accepted by society, even our immediately close relatives/friends don't  suspect anything. I certainly didn't, and it was happening to myself! I feel that there needs to be an awareness of this, especially if its something like this, thats powerful enough to drive a wedge between two people that are deeply in love.

E

On doctors orders

So i finally went to the doctors about a swelling on the side of my toe thats got nastier and more painful for a few weeks now and he barely glanced at it before saying, 'yep, ingrown toenail that's caused an infection'. Bollocks.

So now i can't go for a run until its completely healed so as not to antagonise it. That could be 3 weeks away... Looks like ill be going to the gym more often to compensate, then.

When you are inhibited from running exercise, every day is upper body day! (Or every other day, as the case may be.)

I asked the Gym-fanatic friends what could help me put on weight (muscle, not fat, so don't tell me to just eat mcdonalds!) and they advised whey protein. Essentially, high-protein nesquik. I think its a great idea personally, muscle-man-milkshakes, but it doesn't work for everyone, so we'll just try it and see.

Its not cheap on the high street (h&b sell it for £39.99 per 350g tub) but hey, thats what amazon's for! (£32.00 for 2275g!)

E

Miss her again

Probably just a phase, brought on by a dream she was in last night.

Whats it been, 8 months now?

I do wander if she ever thinks of me in any way. If she hates or loves me. If she'll ever speak to me again. Im praying that she does

E

New Personal Best

25;54;10

Watch this space!

Note: you get funny looks when you run in a megadeth vest.....

E

Musical Summer

Wishing i had gone to download this year, I've gone on a spending spree of gig tickets this week. An expensive hobby, but its because my fave bands are/have been, coming to town

First of all, Christian Heavy Metal/Reggae Funk/Hip-Hop monsters POD (who played download in front of 3000+ people) played the Cellar last week (capacity 150). 70 people attended, including me and my brother. One of the best gigs of my life, spitting distance away from one of the most influential believers and preachers i have ever known.

Now I've just bought tickets for my first welsh stadium show (aka gig in 'another country'... it counts! they charge you to cross the boarder bridge!) and its for Alter Bridge WOOHOO who are being supported by Shinedown and Halestorm YEAHH - going with nathan and mr.varney. We're taking the train because i will definitely be drinking, and we'll also need to ask Lenny Henry where the nearest premier inn is...

Also, my first gig at Wembley (EEK!) and its - Dream Theater!!!!!!!

My fave band in the world - my hero of a guitarist - in the most awesome venue - and we're soooo close to the front!

Driving to this one and no hotel as train and hotel in london are Expensive (although, its in February, after the new album, so if i book real far in advance it could be quite cheap...) going with Nathan.

Funny part is, its on valentines day. Lol, sorry Katharine, stealing your Bf for the day =P

Oh, and as an update for ya, we have officially started recording, drums and all!!! Hinged are a-go once more...

E

Served purpose

I think the blog's getting to the end of its tether now, Interweb. I'm through everything i needed help to get through now, after 9 long months (ish). Heck, i even asked someone out over the weekend (it was a no, but i was happy that i had the confidence and the attraction to someone required to ask them).

This helped me to say stuff 'out loud' and i feel I've said enough, if not everything. Getting better, getting happier, getting...there.

For now, consider all coming updates to be less regular and briefer. Thankyou if you've read even one of my posts (although it'd be weird doing that because a Lot of context is needed), but i understand that the blog was more for me to write things down than to cry for attention.

E

Stranger's Wisdom

Ive been reading an article on bbc about a man not much older than me who committed suicide after his girlfriend left him. He had development issues, not dissimilar to that of autism, (at least showing aspects of introvertism) which is something i don't have but have seen in some people i have both befriended and met in life.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22854301

Its called 'Barney's Story' or 'Viewpoint: Losing a son to suicide'

The author, his father, mentions that, "When he fell deeply in love again, he seemed to retreat from the world at large, devoting his whole self to his beloved."

I too did this. Maddy becamewhat my   everyday was about, as previous dreams/aspirations were relegated to 2nd place as i wanted the simple but fantastic dream of a life with hermore and   more every day. I saw her daily, at college, at work or elsewhere of course, because that was how we wanted to be, which greatly furthered our relationship and strengthened our feelings. The world   outside of our shared fortress didn't matter much, if at all, because all my love was given over to her.

That's why it hurt so much when she ended it. Her world extended beyond me when she went off to Bath, and she chose not to carry me through into that place, despite only a few weeks before there were shared thoughts of an exciting life together in the city that we both loved the prospect of and made us think perfection was just around the corner.

And perhaps these sort of thoughts are the one this young man, Barney, was thinking of. Perhaps.

But the author, a middle-aged man who's been through it all, says, "When She, not unreasonably, wanted to spread her wings, Barney [our young man] resented the implication that he was not enough..." After this, he reacts in avery different way than i have following a big breakup, so any 'similarities' end here.

But what i got from this, is that here is a father, husband, elder, and someone who has lived, and continues to live, a life where he has learned when and how you grow. 'Not unreasonably' shows me that   maybe, i was still too young to want it all with Maddy. Maybe we were both still too much of a child and not yet enough of a man/woman to really be able to undertake a devoted relationship that could end up somewhere, without first making that jump from adolescent hormone-ridden teenagers to stable, never-to-overthink/dramatise-little-things adults.

So I'm not saying it was doomed to fail, I'm sure it didn't have to end at all; what I'm saying is that, as adolescents, made emotionally unstable by a world of pressure that says we should grow up as fast and as much as possible and have as much risky fun as we can, perhaps it is fully reasonable to still 'spread our wings' - to venture into the big, wide world and leave things behind. That's another reason why it was so much harder for me than for her; i wanted to stay in my Introvert world of 'this is my beloved, and i want nothing to change unless we plan for it!' - bit she decided the world was out there and Ellie no longer fitted into it.

Because of one mistake? My 'mistake' of needing space for a few weeks? No, no thats more normal than i realised.

Its not that there was 'someone else' for her, but more that there was 'something else' for her and i don't have the right to be angry about that; for a few more years, we are still deciding what to do and who to be, and she chose 'something else' over me. It happens, even if its not a mutual choice to spread wings and part.

Im getting there now. Finally.

E

Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do...

That's a song by the way.

Anyway, the point is that I'm not going to drink for about a year, starting next Monday.

I went to abaryswyth to see my brother and got completely gazebo'd on these drinks called Death Stars, plus some pints and Bacardi. Unnnggg...

I realised I rarely drink, and when I do, I drink too much. Most drink I tolerate anyway, so ya know.

So after this weekend (we're going to the lake Vyrnwy, woo!), where a lakeside BBQ and Shandy will be appreciated, I'll be a non-drinker for a year, hopefully.

This means no champagne on Xmas, no cider at Easter, no booze on holidays and no shots on birthday bashes. And I think I'll be better off for it.

The more I see my mates end up stupefied and paralytic due to alcohol consumption, the more I hate the way of the world; 'drink to get drunk'. Idiotic.

Joined a gym with Gideon. Thing is, Samson's Gym is full of tank-men. Scary, until they politely ask you to share reps with them and they advise you on the best movements for muscle training. I still feel like a fudging twig in there though, but I can run faster and longer on the running machines than any of the muscle men there. And the staff is mostly good looking girls.

Actually, a female gym goer started talking to me, and I thought she was cure - until she started lifting double the weight that I can!

Getting better tho :)

E

What happens in Aberystwyth...

Lol JK, anyway I've decided I'm not going to drink for a year.

It'll be east for me because I don't really like alcohol, at all. It's taste, what it does to people, how people think they'll find happiness, fulfilment, distraction or good-times at the end of it.

Think of it as long-term detox. I'd it's easy and I enjoy refraining from it, I may continue it for life.

I find myself tempted to text madly. Of course, I'm drunk right now (shots with my brother in Wales) but I'm not stupid.

Still don't find a single girl other than her attractive, despite her never coming back and me fully deciding to walk away with no hopes for anything other than a life without her...

Here we go, I guess...

E

Final hurdles

It's been a good week for getting through the final hurdles of moving elsewhere with my life.

I had the week off of work do I saw lots of people. Most wanted to talk about love life and, if they had known her, the current 'maddy situation' (if there is one.)

Nan asked for a recap of why we split up. Maddy loved my Nan Ange and Ange loved Maddy. I think it made man a bit sad when I told her she'd broken up with me.

I told nan; we didn't speak for two weeks, despite maddy asking to almost daily. Nan frowned, and said 'Is that it?'

Apparently, that happens sometimes, and people get through it. She said its almost normal. She added that 'Uni changes  people...they've a new sense of freedom and get new people added to a new life...she probably met someone else.'

That did make me think, this new bf of hers (weirdo dr who wanabe); maybe she started liking him when I was still with her. Hell, she found herself attracted to one of her new friends in the first couple of weeks that she was there, she informed me of it.

Also yeah, i didn't talk to her for a while, and I said I was sorry for that and should have explained that u wanted some time alone to think about things (I REALLY needed time to think, I tell you now), but I didn't cheat on her, I didn't lie to her, I didn't take anything away from her...and we were best friends, and best friends fight/disagree/disappoint sometimes, this is a fact of life.

Saw Beth again also, who reminded me, 'If she really loved you, she'd have forgiven you.' Which is true. If she fell in love with who she thought was mr. perfect, this was her time to learn that that wasn't who I was, and it's not who I'll ever be.

Relationships aren't about one person, they're about both people. And yet, the fact that I didn't like one of her new friends, Plus the fact that she didn't suss that I needed some space to think and breathe (I had a nervous breakdown, readers!) and just say that she'd be there for me when I wanted to talk OR get on a train to come and make sure I hadn't disappeared, PLUS the fact that she said she'd need lots of time alone after us and went off with this fella from uni a Month after we broke up PLUS the fact that she won't talk to me now when I try to be reasonable, civil, brief and ask this only after months of waiting for a response to my last message - this all shoes me that I am NOT a bad person. This ended NOT because I did anything wrong. That she is NO better than me, that I am worth SO much more than who she is now, and that I NEVER neglected, mistreated of undervalued what I had with her.

I may not have been perfect, but she turned out to be a damned sight worse than me. And that's why I'm not going to wait for her anymore. My door will not anymore always be open to her and my confidence will no longer be shattered by her abandonment of me. And i will no longer be addicted to a nostalgic fantasy that brings about an addiction to clutching at straws for her attention.

Goodbye, and sort your fucking life out.

E

Birthday!

BIRTHDAY.

Today's ma birthday =D

Par-Tay is tomorrow, BBQ on the sotn common. I wonder if it'll be a repeat of my 18th...

Fifty people crammed into my small house, all drunk, all breaking things and each other, arguing over wether to watch the football or the Eurovision, drink-endused clingy girlfriend (which of course I now miss), best mate hurling in the nearest hedgerow, sticky floors, que for the toilet...

Believe me, it may be something I don't want to do again, but I DEFINITELY wouldn't trade the memory of it for the whole world.

E

Did it!

27:57:20 - run.

Yeah muthafuckaz!!!

....ok the choice of vowel to address readers was a little out of character, but you get the point.

As well as impressively sized legs, pecs and washboard stomach are making an entrance to my anatomy. Woop woop!

E

3 seconds off of beating 28 minutes now, with a run time of 28:03:00.

Roll-on Monday's run!

Y jumping stilts arrived. Think shoes with springs mounted to your calve muscles that end 1ft below the feet. Awesome things.

Yes, I'm bound to fall. A lot. Violently. And this is another idea to boost my chances of becoming batman ;)

E

The Letters

She wrote me these silly little letters that I absolutely loved. And we used to hide post-it notes for each other a lot. She wrote them more than I did but I think she liked it that way, being a writer and all. Still, they all make my heart sink now, because of how much I miss her, whereas they always used to make me so glad. One can even bring me to tears every time. So I've decided I'm going to return them.
To me, they're memories I'll always cherish, but they aren't from the same heart any more. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes she'll read them and have some sort of awakening love in her heart that will suddenly bring her back. But mainly, it's to help me move on. Trying to do that now, because I could well be hung up over her for the rest of my life, but that's not how I want to be. I'd happily love her for the rest of my life, but I can only do so if the feelings mutual. So here goes. Another step into the unknown of my now nearly-directionless life.
I'll pop it round whenever I feel up to it; then of course I'll run like hell.

Elliot

[Posted 13-9-12]

Lake Vyrnwy is calling out

I've been really frustrated lately. Feels like anger, brought about for no reason and aimed at everything/everyone. Gawsh, I don't even know why.

Work sucks, a mixture of not enough work to do and too much work to do, which shouldn't make sense. I'm incredibly lonely. I hate the way I'm living day to day now.

I've started relying on materialistic things to try and make me happy, which hasn't done the job at all. For instance, I always wanted to get some comic books (Batman, Dredd, Daredevil), but I read them and feel crap, telling myself 'that was a waste of time and money'.

Running helps. I read somewhere that excersise is our natural anti-depressant. Well that's true until a little while after you've finished, especially when your not getting better very quickly, and the results of said excersise aren't yet visible on your physical build.

Biying a punch bag really helped too. I hang it out under the garden's wooden fascia thing and just go through that week's Tai Kwan Do lesson on it. The great thing is that when you settle into the rhythm of your punching and kicking, you begin to focus on the art and remove the random frustration from your well-being. Still get nackered after a few combos but I'm getting somewhere with it, definitely.

Miss her a lot. 

Going up to Wales soon (twice) - to see my bro in Abaryswyth at the end of the month (31st - 2nd) with our friend Mr. Varney, and then to my Favourite place on earth with Nath, Katharine and other-Mike from 7th - 9th; Lake Vyrnwy, Llanwddyn. I look forwards to it.

Without Mad, it's one of the very few things that can clear my mind and heal my soul. A perfectly tranquil place. I literally found my home there. I've never felt more connected to a place of more at peace with myself somewhere than at the banks of that place. So quiet, so beautiful, so hidden away and riddled with secret treasures all around it.

All this after a week off for my birthday wood-woop!

- Ellie

Through the Gates

On my walk home from work yesterday, I stopped outside of my old college. I realised that the last time I had walked through those gates, I was hand-in-hand with her, giggling about our in-hand exam results, talking about how she was going to get accepted into her choice uni. I was happy with what I got, standard C's and B's, but I was most proud of her and wanted her to shine.
I can't say that I didn't want her to go to uni here just a little bit, but she knew she wanted to go to bath. I remember she cried with me more than once, worried that the distance would have torn us apart...I still don't think that's what did it. Besides, if she was That worried about, or didn't believe that we'd be ok that far away, then she would have stayed. I'm glad she didn't, she followed her dream and went to a beautiful city.

I walked through the gates. Wondered what I'd say to my former self if I met him as I walked in and he walked out. I think there'd be too much to say in one walk home. I'd probably just do the whole Back to the Future thing...
'Its your kids [Elliot], something's got to be done about your kids!'
That would work. Especially seeing as I'd know what we wanted to call any potential offspring. Weird discussions, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

It was six months to the day on Saturday that she left me. She's still the most beautiful and special person I know and love. Sad day it was.

E

A Minute quicker =)

Ok, so it was Barely an improvement, so what; I'm taking it as an achievement.
0:28:58 is the fastest run I've done yet and it counts as faster than 29m in my book.
The added bonus is that 6 months of running is starting to show. Trying to withhold pride here, but I look goooooddd...
I suppose taking up mixed martial arts + cycling + doing weights has helped as well though
Can honestly say that I'm now fitter than I've ever been. Still eating pretty badly though, gotta work on that. But I suppose pizza won't affect me for another 2 years yet lol

Oh yeah, also I broke it off with the latest Gf. It was a good breakup actually. Best one I have ever had, put it that way...

E

Why am I here?

Or is it more like what am I doing?
Im in a new relationship, but Ive been thinking, and I think that i don't want to be in it...
I'm aware that I need to analyse myself and my motives for this, e.g. not try to make this new into a 'new maddy' or a substitute of any kind, and I haven't been...but I realise that I still miss her. Whenever I'm with this new girl, my mind's not in the same room. It's off thinking about Mads again. Missing her and still loving her.
You'd have thought that love, unreciprocated for over 5 months, would have died by now, having no nourishment from the person you so love (i mean, her love for me died after two weeks, apparently), but it still clings into the memory of her. Wishing. Wanting. Missing. Loving, unconditionally. It tares me apart because u know she doesn't want to come back.
Again and again, I wish I could go back in time, tell myself to beware of this coming emotional void and to fight it with all you've got, or to smack my formerly in-void self to snap out of it as he doesn't realise how much he'll loose and that it's ok to keep her because they love each other so. But I can't.
i can only try that here, now. And she doesn't talk to me. I'd imagine she's trying to make a new life with that bf of hers and trying (if not already succeeded) to put me behind her.

I have to so something. I have to end this mistake. And I wish She'd forgive me for the ones I've made. I'm never going to make them again. Ever. I just know. I prommisse.

Apathetic

Another useful definition. And apparently that's all I need - definitions.
I'm the type of person that likes to take emotional responses and put them in categorised and quantified 'boxes' in my mind. Which makes seance to me.
I'm feeling much better so they asked me if I wanted to continue with the therapy. I said no. I'm feeling much more at peace with myself. I understand myself more. I can controll myself more, and more so with practice I suppose.

In other news, I'm dating someone. She's awesome. I knew her from college actually and I ran home past her a few times before I actually thought 'I should text her'. Met up, we were interested, now dating. Good, good...

Also, I'm batman. =L
Note to self - going paintballng in a batman onesie send cowl makes you a Huge target - my skin is purpley blotched all over lol.

Happy Easter y'all =D
Elliot

Session 2

Turns out the picture I posted last time is pretty accurate. I'm most probably an Introvert.
That word has bad connotations as a loner or bad social skills - but it actually means I can have a great social life but revert to being alone to recuperate energy and sort out my head.
Their giving me 'bipolar tendencies' too though, because even anintrovert doesn't hide himself in his room for two weeks and not speak to, call, text or communicate with anyone at all; especially if he had a girlfriend, friends and family at this point.
They say this explains why I like running, guitaring, gaming, writing etc - because it's alone time to think or to hone some skills or my body.
Makes seance really.
Elliot

I found an explanation for my Voids

See attached pic.
Shame I didn't find this 4+ months ago really =L would have explained a lot

Asking for help

I realised I needed help a while ago. Help talking through things with someone. It couldn't be my family, I would have to talk about things they wouldn't want to know about, being their relative. Personal and private matters and such. And it couldn't be mates. I'd bore them or they just plain wouldn't understand, bless them.
I'd talk to god like usual, but, what would start as a prayer would become a rolling monologue of listing off everything that makes me feel those negative emotions.
And, of course, I'd most of all have wanted to talk through all this with Her, but shutting me out of her life completely, makes this...a difficult endeavour, shall we say.

Therapy, they call it. Really, it's just asking a trained and experienced advice-giver with a degree in telling people if they are or are not crazy if you need meds of any kind. The answer; no meds, but we are concerned for you. That's great and all, but they think I may juuust be something called bipolar. Look it up, it's wired and I don't like it and I can't explain in from my personal dimensions. Van Gough had it, apparently. The best thing I can say is this; it's an uncontrollable ability to feel literally nothing emotionally - then, all of a sudden, to feel an overwhelming force of emotional Everything git even the slightest thing.
That may be why I...
Actually, I don't think I'm ready to go there. Or of I should go there. Self analysis isn't great for someone who is in a stare of emotional turmoil ('oh, the self pity', I know =/)
Oh, and apparently my thinking aloud for hours on end is concerning to such an extent that it may be boarder line schizophrenia. I doubt that, and so do they, but it helps put things into a perspective. A wired, strange and distorted perspective. The Joker is a schizophrenic so that's both cool and slightly worrying. Still, I'm not at a murderous point like him; this orchestrated crap hasn't yet affected my sanity. Just my feelings. It makes them hurt again, to say the least.
Still miss her. To the extent where it's beginning to break my brain now.
Elliot

Happy Birthday

It was her birthday last weekend. I know because google reminded me, on account of a reminder she set on my laptop months ago. I did used to remember it, but after months of not seeing someone you're bound to forget things about them.
I shouldn't have, but I texted her. 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't think I wanted a reply, but there was a part of me that checked my phone every 3 minutes. I realised part of me was so desperate for a reply that it didn't care if it was an angry or sad reply. Some pathetic part of me. It's probably fuelled by jealousy, what with the new fella she's got. Still feels like i should be there with her.
Also she keeps popping up in dreams. Randomly. But each time, i can't ignore her and the dream becomes about her. This leads to thinking about her all day, and by the time I'm done thinking of her, she raids another dream.
Gawsh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let this all go? Why after 4 months, haven't I stopped loving her?
I knew a date with someone else wouldn't work. Especially one that didn't turn out to be an actual date =L I can laugh about it now though. I just can't laugh about the other one. It still breaks my heart.

Friend zone >.<

Ouch. Bummer. However you want to describe it, it sucks don't it.
You know...your such a good FRIEND - this is a great FRIEND date - you're my FRIEND to talk to - you FRIEND me NOT INTERESTED etc
Oh we'll. she's a bit more mad than I thought. Mad in the way she lives, not fun mad. 2 very different people on two very different lives.
My pride's a little bruised, as is to be expected, but that's not what hurts.
What hurts is that it's the first girl I've liked since my last and best relationship and the door's shut to me. It makes you think you'll not find anyone ever again.
My last relationship - pretty much going out with my best friend, alike in so many ways it was the tops. This girl though? Cute, but probably not really what I was looking for.
Still, a resounding whisper says 'forever alone, missed your chance, weren't supposed to loose the last one' speaks to me. I know that's a lie (I won't be forever alone) but it has made me think about how much I've missed out on/thrown away in the last 4+ months. The answer is a lot.
I can only take comfort (if you can call it that) on the fact that it wasn't completely 100% my fault. And even if it was, I was more sorry for it than o have ever been in my life, so if she really loved/wanted me, she would have taken me back/continued with me.
I always did tell her I loved her more...just didn't expect to be proven right like that. Sure, I know I was selfish for a little while, and I still don't really know why, but it didn't have to be the end of it all, no way. And I know I'm worth better than bring someone who's only liked and loved when I'm mr.perfect. I am.

I've finally come to it. It was the end of hoping she'll knock the door and we'd mutually apologise, kiss and make up about a month ago. But now, I know that even if it did happen, from now on, or would be too late. It's a long time, I know, but there was a whole lotta love going on. And we got there in the end.

Oh well, only one tear shed instead of the dozens I remember. Symbolic, I think.
Loves ya, Internet!

Elliot

FFS!!

My pass-plus scheme certificate came through the door - problem is, it's addressed to an Elliot Millor. Who's Elliot Millor? I don't remember paying for his pass-plus... FFS!!

OOH! We found a guitarist for Hinged - Simeon. Fantastic player. Nice guy. Pretty spaced out but absolutely great player.
He learned one of our songs in 10 minutes, which rules because most if our songs are normally that long =L
Auditioning a drummer in a fortnight too. Fingers crossed!!

And going to Center parks on Friday - FINALLY, a holiday!

Sorry there's been no update for an age. Nothing was really going on in Le life.
Rest assured, there's a girl on the agenda. It's just been slow ;)

Ta,
Elliot

The End Hero Saga

So I started writing a comic script with a friend, we need an artist but I've been getting really into story boarding and character developing, particularly with an original superhero idea I've had for quite some time.
This is the overview and introduction to the city in which it is all based (inspirations from batman, judge Dredd with original concepts).
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Southbank City, the world's first true Mega-City. It is a twisted and vile tree that has grown out of the filth of poverty and lawlessness and gives roost to the birds of despair and ruin. It spans across much of the southern sea board of England and is clouded in a permanent, thick brown and black fog. It stretches as far as the eye can see, an unbroken chain of roads, walls, towers, slums, warehouses and halted construction sites. From the Isle if Wight, known now as the wealthy island district of Southbrook, it can be viewed as the steel and concrete fortifications of hell-on-earth, that has risen strikingly out if the sea to form a rusty prison around the city.

The many towers' brickwork is crumbling all around and exposed steel struts rust away. Beside the clean and brightly lit roads lay men and women in cardboard boxes, lean-to's and makeshift slums. Homeless. Jobless. Lifeless. Dying in the gutters they call their homes.
Slums dominate the city, encircled by the tower blocks and corporation buildings. Council houses and private residences are dyed black by the dust carried in the air, the natural life that remains there struggles against the toxic air in order to survive; and the people fair no better.
Sub-humans, made so by their blackened hearts. Chaos rules the streets and the rich try to escape its clutches by building higher and higher concrete structures, so hastily constructed that the brickwork cracks and metal buckles beneath the weight if it all. But the towers cannot escape chaos' creeping shroud; the smog is forced up by the harsh, gritty sea winds and encircles the mega-city, resembling a vast, slow turning, rust-coloured tornado, coloured by the crumbling brick dust and ageing iron compounds of the city.

The city is ruled by the notoriously immoral multi-business corporation, Magog Industries, run by the tycoon Peter Gog (whose business partner, Stephen Martin, died in suspicious circumstances). His far stretching influence created the city, investing in businesses then selling off the shares at the first opportunity, taking with him the great men of business that he had found in his investments, leaving those companies to fail and go bankrupt, then starting up another and repeating the cycle of wealth. Most of the city's abandoned places once bore the emblem of Magog multi-industries and at some point would have been a hive of business activity. Now they are ghostly, rusting shells of a former prosperity. The formerly employed resemble the buildings - withering, purposeless and forgotten. They struggle on, none better off than any other. Some cling to the last glimpse of hope. Some have learned to hate hope, like a bitter lie that rips the soul from the spirit. But they are not forgotten.

"I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

The shepherd is coming, but an appointed one will walk before him. Southbank must not perish. The world must not end before the appointed time. His servants will rise to save the world, until the day of reckoning is at hand. On this day, the Hero of the End has emerged.

Broke the 30 minute barrier

29.30.02 to be precise.
Happy dance.......ok I'm done.

Musician's update

I did the audition, and it was pretty cool. Good band. Not my dream band but no one gets that really. I thought I'd not want to join but I think I do now. I'd love to have two projects; my progressive and more diverse music in a project with Nathan and my some more rocky energy-based music in another. One band to show the love of musicality and another band to show the love of atmosphere, although those things will probably cross over more than rarely.
Still not in the Fringe, auditioning further this Saturday. It was very much me learning their stuff, next time it's letting them work with my stuff. I think we jelled nicely so that's good.
Also still auditioning folks for Hinged, the progressive group. Got guitarist auditions this Saturday evening and the following Saturday evening, a few people have replied at last. Everything's going steady but well.
And in my personal development, I've got much better too. That's really awesome. I love this =D
Shame it's not my actual job =/ yet....
Elliot

Musical opportunity, at last

My guitar teacher recommended me to a local band who just lost their guitarist. They sound good actually, focused and actively gigging. They'll call me next week to audition me.
If it works out great, my only reserve is Nathan. If I go into the band, I'll be righting with them now and I've been righting with Nathan since we started playing. We have some awesome tunes, but there was never a band for us in Southampton, so we couldn't take them very far. And this band Does have a bass player. I'll need to think about this one =S

Elliot

Small update

Got my driving lesson on Thursday. I really want to pass now, due to all the funny stories my mates are telling about each others driving. For their safety (and integrity) I won't be sharing them on the blog ;)
Also on Thursday I have a job interview. I've applied for the position I already have now, but right now I'm only temp, with an agency. Full time means a slight paycut but flexible working hours and fixed days/hours of holiday a year. Dad put the application in for me because I wasn't even made aware that the position had been advertised. Ideally, I wouldn't like to be there more than 2 more years from August, alas I started last August (no more than 3 years there) but I'm aware there's nothing really out there at the moment.

Snow came :D had to go into work, but only for half the day. Did f-all and that's the way (U-hu-u-hu) I like it (U-hu-u-hu).

Elliot

Some things take their time

So we had some auditions for the band this week, my friend Gill (pronounced J-ill, a girls name) and her bf: they were pretty good :) still wana audition more people, broaden horizons and all, but Southampton is a dead city for music. There are no really great musicians or bands to join here, except for my buddy Nathan and he's only still here because his uni is here. All the great musicians I've known from this city get up and move on to uni or a far away job, because everyone else who dreams the same dreams and shares the same ambition has already done so themselves. It sucks because we 2 have so much drive for this and it's aggravating that no one else here really does. We're on our own and it sucks.

He's a gifted bassist, I'm a pretty good guitarist and a rusty vocalist; ultimately we're both fantastic musicians. the songs are all there; great pieces indeed, but a band isn't there with us at this time. So until then, I'm sat in my room playing, improving all the while because I do just love to play, but with nothing to show for this passion in me. I write for a gifted band, not solo acts or ensembles, so that's what we need. I hope we get it soon...

Need a Guitarist, Drummer and maybe a keyboard player for some progressive rock and metal in Southampton. Why is that difficult?

Elliot

Running - Again! And etc...

Nearly broke the 30 minute mark today. If only I hadn't been chain-eating at work today :/
I've got a sliver of fat on my stomach now. Good, because I was/am a rake :L but it means that my freakishly good metabolism is starting to change. That, and every meal of the last week was take-away, from New Year's Eve up to Saturday. Ooh, that doesn't feel so good to say :S

And I definitely need an inhaler. Yikes, childhood asthma's back!

So, embarrassing story. I got out of the shower to a steam filled room and went to open the window - turn it twice to open it top-towards you. Turn it once to open it off the wall, open completely. I turned it once, aimed to continue turning, when a gust of wind blew the window open. I had just got out of the shower, so I wasn't exactly fully dressed.
Luckily, the student crossing the car park did not look over their left shoulder. Oh dear...

Oh well. Had a great jam with Jill and Matt yesterday, look forward to the next one with them :)

Elliot

Just when you think you're over it...

You get kicked again as you start to get up from it all.
She's with someone else now.
Can't say I blame her, I met the dude a few times. Nice guy. But it's gunna pop into my head again and again now.
Hey, they're together
Hey, she's forgotten you
Hey, they're doing It together
And those random thoughts are the kicks to the ribs as you try to get up

And as much as I would like to say I'm 100% moved on, which I actually think I am, I still feel tied to her in some way I guess that she doesn't feel tied to me. Greatest love I've ever felt, perhaps? We talked about spending the rest of our lives together and we ended up spending ten months together. Great months, lame ending.

But I believe that I'm better deserving than that. I deserve someone who will not throw it all away because they couldn't understand how tough a time I was going through.
Actually yeah. When she broke it off, it was all, 'this is how I feel' and 'this is what I think', she wouldn't listen to my apologies or reasons. At all.
It's easy to be angry and I don't want to be. The simple thing is this; I wanted a life with her 'for better or for worse', and it seems we worked great in the better times, but crumbled in the worse. And that's partially my fault, for falling silent, and partially hers, for expecting things to be easy and not wanting to fight or hold on in tough times. It could have been a LOT tougher.

I deserve better.
I'll find Better someday. Someday.

Elliot

All thoughts turn to her

Still. After all this time.
What's it been now, like 2 months+? This is ridiculous now. The worst part is that I thought I was over all this. But seeing her face one more time, added to hearing absolutely nothing from her leading to me speculate constantly on how she feels or where she's at with it all.
And why do I care any more? I know it can't work out any more. I know my best friend Is gone forever. I know I'll still love her in some way of respect and good memory. But why am I crying over it all over again?
Maybe because I'm so tired from a holiday that was actually busier than work and completely emotionally draining.
I don't know. But 2012 had the best 10 months of my life, Jan to Oct, followed by the 2 most difficult of my life.
Maybe because the person Im starting to think That I've no chance whatsoever with is the next person I'm becoming interested in, whilst asking myself 'aren't you way too hung up on the last girl for s new relationship? Don't you have to be comfortable with being single before you make a new relationship?'
And the question I keep asking myself is this; 'do you remember who you are?'
I don't know where the question came from, but I can't answer it. I was so sure of myself when I was with her and now I've no idea who I am, what my dreams are or where I'm going.
I wish I could break these ties from her like I could a toothpick but I can't. I thought time had faded the hurt but something went and kicked me swiftly just as I was ready to get back up.
Maybe the relationship could only ever work in the better times and so it was doomed in the worse times.
Ah. Infinite possibilities come crashing down on my head once more, driving me mad. Why won't it go away?
Why won't this end?

Elliot