New Years

So the plan seems to be, go to pub quiz with a crack team of people that know absolutely nothing, myself included, followed by the consummation of gratuitous amounts of alcohol in order to destroy what brain cells we have left.
Sounds excellent! Happy new year, Internet!

Elliot

Closed chapters

Well u did it. Those letters went back. And I got my stuff back. Not much conversation or eye contact, but enough to see that she's still beautiful, and I'd still take her back, even after all this. I'm just not going to wait anymore.
Believe me, if she knocked on the door right now, I don't know what I'd do, other than refuse to let her go ever again. But I'm not going to sit on the doorstep and wait for a miracle anymore.
If you still want me, I'm never far away.
And like I said this morning to you, bloggers: I'll always love her in an unconditional way. Because... Well because... I just do.

Elliot

Christmas and shizzld after

Christmas was good, people liked all the presents I got them, and the family was all happy and stuff. Oh! And I won a box of chocolates at the costume party as Gandalf :L good times...
I updated the life plan yesterday. Put a big cross through 'get her back'. I'd be lying if I said I don't love her any more, but we've become very different people since the breakup, so it can't ever be the same. That's not to say that it ever would be though, I suppose. Oh well. I think I love her differently anyway now; not romantically longingly, more like wanting the best for her because I remember she's worth the best, and nothing less. I suppose that's the closest thing to unconditional love that man can feel for each other,
Looks like she has new horizons with someone else now anyway, not that I'm completely sure. Meh. I'll deliver those letters back and that will be the end of it...until she gives me my stuff back lol!
So my friend whose been rather depressed about failed relationships OS in another relationship again. That would be fine normally, but i was at his house 2 weeks ago and he made no mention of any romantic interests. Jumping into a relationship will probably get you hurt, most of us know this. I thought he did too. Maybe he does, I dunno. Good guy though, I hope he's not trying to find comfort for depression in relationships though - they'll probably fail him, when he's surrounded by awesome family and friends that adore him.
I love you man, and wish you all the luck and god-blessings on the world.

Elliot

Theory test and the LoTR marathon

Passed my driving theory yesterday with flying colours! And how did I manage to pass?
Lord of the Rings marathon of course!
This was brought on by the hysterical joy brought forth by An Unexpected Journey in Aisleen and I, and the fact that I hadn't seen the films for yonks.
So I haven't seen the extended editions before, which is crazy because it was practically my childhood, and OH MY WORD did I love it.
In fact, after the Fellowship... I could only hear the theme tune in my head during the aptly quiet hazard perception in my head, which may have distracted me slightly.
Anyway, what did we do to celebrate my pass?
Watch the Two Towers of course!!!
My fave of the 3 somehow got better. And oh my giddy aunt, Aragon DIES for a few scenes in this version?!?!
Ah we'll. just no. 3 to look forward to now on Saturday :D
Funnily enough, there's a costume party I'm off to on Saturday, and guess who I'm going as...
I'll keep ya posted, Internet ;)

Elliot

Return to sender

She wrote me these silly little letters that I absolutely loved. And we used to hide post-it notes for each other a lot. She wrote them more than I did but I think she liked it that way, being a writer and all. Still, they all make my heart sink now, because of how much I miss her, whereas they always used to make me so glad. One can even bring me to tears every time. So I've decided I'm going to return them.
To me, they're memories I'll always cherish, but they armed from the same heart any more. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes she'll read them and have some sort of awakening love in her heart that will suddenly bring her back. But mainly, it's to help me move on. Trying to do do now, because I could well be hung up over her for the rest of my life, but that's not how I want to be. I'd happily love her for the rest of my life, but I can only do so if the feelings mutual. So here goes. Another step into the unknown of my now nearly-directionless life.
I'll pop it round whenever I feel up to it; then of course I'll run like hell.

Elliot

OhGodWhy.jpg

I was having such a nice day. Then I get blanked on the way home by perhaps the most awkward of people to bump into on the way home; 2 of Her friends from Bath.
OhGodWhy.jpg
Oh we'll. to be completely honest, I'm moving on now. I gave her a month, because I love her and all, and I got blanked for the whole thing. Over time I've just felt more and more...content. She wasn't my only avenue in life, and I did as much as I could. gave it my best shot. And I've just accepted it. And I think there are some things that I've buried to keep the relationship all fine and dandy, and I don't want to do that any more. I want someone I can pray with, not someone I have to bury my faith for.
And I'm not trying to make it out like om mr. Perfect, maybe/probably she had to do a similar thing. Oh we'll. people change, and things always come to the surface no matter how far down you bury it. I'm not sad any more so that's enough.

Thank you my friends. YOU got through it and you're the colours in my canvas x

Elliot

The Hobbit

Seen it, twice.
Last night me and some friends had this sudden impulse to go see it in 3D, so we did. T'was awesome.
Jonny, my brother, came home from uni today and asked if we could go see the hobbit. So of course I went again, this time in 2D. Awesome still.
I thought it was better in 2D because 3D always makes me dizzy and I think the colours are better on 2D. Didn't notice any difference when it came to frame-rate, but that's okay, I suppose it's 'hi-def'.

All quiet on the workman front

Work is going quickly today. Half of our team is either on holiday or off ill so I'm doing more stuff. Thankfully it's not overly busy so its not piling up on me, I'm just not finding myself on Rage Comics every 5 minutes.
Funny thing is I do have time to make this blog post on my phone. Lol. And they complain that we need more staff...
That, and i'm discussing judge dredd over Facebook with fellow comic enthusiasts. Good day? I suppose, that is, if my fricking bank would let me buy cinema tickets online =( I may now miss the Hobbit opening night. I'll go Saturday with Aisleen but, opening night, man!
She's forced me to abandon going in full Gandalf costume, which I was looking forward to doing; turning up at the cinema to see if the usher can guess which film I'm there to see.
Back to work now
Elliot

An update for y'all

On average it's taking 35 mins to get home on runs now.
Running means I'm getting a Huge appetite. I'm still growing + I'm now regularly exercising + I'm already renowned for eating too much and too fast. Yikes. Food bills are only going to keep going up, up, up at this rate :S
Learning chord and scale theory for the next few weeks in guitar lessons. Boring theory, but interesting workings of modes and such.
Feeling better about things now. Just decided to let things run their course. If things come around again, then great, and if new things come around, I'll be just as happy. I'm confident that things will be looking up in the new year.
Oh, and it is Christmas soon,
And my old guitarist and friend simon's back this Saturday. Hurray!

Thanks internet
Elliot

Def: a 'Void' & the 'Jo' year

Void : A place of nothingness, where it would technically be like a cold dark cell, but to know that something is cold and dark, you'd need to be able to experience those things. A void is without meaning, feeling, or anything. it is not 'created', more so it just 'comes about'.

I first retreated into a void when my mum left. She had done some bad things, so she left, and said she would try not to do any more bad things. but she kept doing them. so i just left her to it, if that was how she wanted to live. She was my mum, and i would let her live however she wanted to, but i would not continue to allow myself to get hurt in the process, so we parted ways.

When my mum first sat me and my brother down with my dad, and told us she had been bad, it overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to say. Anger, Grief, Confusion and Fear came over me, as i saw the pillar of a man that my dad is weeping like a baby, and my mum's stone face with smeared mascara. my brother just got angry, as he always does. think the hulk but more stupid and a lot less actual power.
I was 15, and overwhelmed with these emotions, to such an extent that my brain just shut down. Like an emergency-protocol, it broke the fuse and stopped everything. That's a void, my friends.

Where so much conflicting emotion comes over you, that you allow yourself to be buried under it, not expressing or dealing with it, refusing to acknowledge that you feel anything at all. Just turning your eyes black and facing forwards. keeping a dead straight face, letting the colour flow from your face and the life leave your spirit. Your soul doesn't know wether to cry for help or feel this unnamed feeling, so it too, learns, in time, how to shut down.

I pretty much waltzed through that year until the following summer. I went to this camp called Revive, and it's a church camp. I went because Nathan was going and the last time i went, i was 8 i think. Anyway, i'm not going to sit here and type 'god gave me a release! hallelujah!' because he didn't. He did make me feel better about my parent's divorce, and give me hope in the continuation of my life, but something very special happened there - i fell in love.

It was the first love. You know? The one who you think is perfect and blameless, and you think you're Soul-mates from the first 5 minutes? Yeah. That kind of First Love.

Joanna, she was really lovely. A little messed up, but i liked her for who she was. the problem was that i thought i could save her. Ya know, being all hooked-up on the first love thang. and we had a great run, went to some great places, had lots of love between us, loved all her friends and family.
But her problems came to a head. She called me one day and said i wasn't helping her problems. It was long distance, but there were other things too. Every time one of us stayed round, it would feel more and more awkward around others for some reason, and we got closer and closer to the big no-no for young christians each time we were alone together. I think that's what it was.
She wasn't that much older than me at all, but she was more matured in love and sex than me. This was all new for me, for her it was just bad memories. Maybe i just reminded her of bad things that had happened before.

It did devastate me when she left me. I loved her, wanted her for the rest of my life, because i'm selfish like that. But here's the thing - it left a void in my life. I had love overflowing for her, now i had nowhere to channel it. So, through 1st year college, i had way too many relationships that involved trying to fill the Joanna void (i'll talk about these when i need to. I don't really think about them any more but they did hurt me too). Those relationships had me going further and further into relationship boundaries and getting nowhere except more and more into self-loathing. And they would always change. just as i was getting used to them, just as i had crammed them into the Joanna-shaped hole, they would change. hate me. rebel against the utmost 'love' i had for them.
It was just infatuation. Ugh.

Then, one day, Maddy LITERALLY dropped into my lap. and those voids went away.
For me, she was so easy to love. I didn't blindly see her as perfect, but i loved her 'flaws'. We were basically the same person, and that was awesome. But she was prettier than me, and i was way taller.
Again, another story, another day.

But Voids explained; Yoou cant cope with emotions that pounce on you all at once, or you have no idea what to do with the huge ammount of emotion you've just accumulated beause you can't trust it to someone - so you shut down, to avoid hurt, disgrace, failure, and furthermore, loss.
But that's all they end up in.
Loosing someone.

Thanks, this was a difficult post. You wait for the next ones though, elliot. Aye aye Aye...

Elliot

Sorry it's been a while

Yeah, i really want this to be daily/every-other-daily but ya know; life.

Running this week, monday was fine, 30 mins, decided to run wednesday, thursday & friday in a row too, which was pushing myself but mabye a little too much, as my times dropped to 40 mins average on the last two days and my legs twinge when  i go up stairs 2 at a time. Still, getting better though =)
Managed to pick up the guitar a decent amount this week, including a 3 hour session i'm quite proud of,  learning some wierd techniques this week that involves switching the left and right hand roles over, doing some insane tap timings and tap harmonics, and some kind of harpsichord techniques on the guitar. All very cool, shame i'm a bit naff at it all at the moment.
Wrighters block for music has lifted though! i wrote a nice clean piece with finger technique on the 7 string, and i downloaded a jordan rudess app onto the iphone and have been playing around with the sounds and settings of that to mabye include in songs as samples or backing instruments =)
Miss her lots. Being logical about it now, if she doesn't talk to me by sometime january at least, i'll move on from all this. By that, i mean i'll make no more efforts to continue trying to salvage our relationship, and if she wants me after that time, it will be completely up to her to come get me, which i'll not say no to, i just won't be waiting any more. I feel that 2 months is long enough to wait, and it's been more than 1 month now.
Only other girl i quite like at the moment is one that friendzones pretty much Everyone i know that has ever liked her, or that she herself has liked. oh well, i would rather have maddy, so that's probably not fair on any other girl. Take note, people - if you still love someone, don't go out with someone else, it will end badly for So many reasons. i learned that the hard way a few years ago, as a lot of people do.
Recording's coming along well, found some good tones for my guitars so the recordings don't sound so gravely any more. Huzzah.
And, i'm waiting for some local musicians to get back to me about some audition dates!
Thanks bloggers!

Elliot x

Today - ups and downs

Ups -
Got an iphone (only a 4, but it's better than the breaking thing i've had for an age now.)
As well as 2 guitarists replying to my ad a few days ago, a drummer has responded and is interested!

Downs -
Didn't pass my driving theory test =( almost perfect on driving theory, but 3 points short on hazard perception
REALLY miss Maddy. That's her name, Internet. We're not talking at the moment, at her request, and I miss her so much. My weekends just dont seem like downtime anymore, because every free second is usually spent with her or on my guitar, and I haven't seen her or talked with her for over a month now, and there's been no guitar for a week due to driving theory studies.

I suppose I should explain, Internet. About Maddy I mean.
Well, she's the only person I've ever been able to describe as 'Soul-Mate'. I would often comment that it was strange how we were always on the same wavelength, but that was the best thing about it, really.
Which is amazing, seeing as I beleve in Chaos Theory (although not absolute, as I also beleive in Soft Determinism, where some things in life are/could be determined by completely the cdompletely free choices you've made earlier in life).
Anyway, she and I had been going out for about 10-months, which was the longest relationship of my life, but it was also the Best relationship of bothour lives.

Voids destroyed it. One came into my life, and when i had managed to get rid of it, it seemed to pass onto her. And now I can only hope and pray that it leaves her alone.
I'll begin a new post soon to explain these terms I'm using. It'll probably be the next post. Not that anyone's reading this blog at this time. And yes, that makes me sad, but this blog is primarily to help me externalise things I'd otherwise bottle up, it is just nice when people care about you enough to keep up with this sort of thing.
I know she would. but she's gone now. And that's the saddest part for me.

Goodnight bloggers,
Elliot

Join the Band!

This is the ad I posted on http://www.joinmyband.co.uk/classifieds/southampton-prog-metal-band-needs-guitar-keys-and-drums-t430956.html ,asking Guitarists, Drummers & Keyboard players if they would like to join the Progressive Metal band =)

'Calling all young musicians who want to write, record and gig! We really need Great musicians to enter the band, who will be devoted, disciplined and dreaming big! We (1 bassist + 1 guitarist & frontman) have written a load of tunes already, and never really stop writing, and would love to form a band that plays minimal covers and is constantly righting new material to be recorded, distributed and gigged. We are based in Southampton, and have a rehearsal space readily available for us most days. We would be willing to travel a bit (or a lot if we get to that stage!) for gigs and such. Main inspirations; Dream Theater, Opeth, Tool, Trivium, Metallica, Mastodon, Rush, Shinedown, Etc Etc... Interested? Drop us a line, lets have a jam =) Maybe you've got some stuff on Youtube, SoundCloud, etc that we could check out? That'd be sweet! We have a dropbox folder & a soundcloud with some incomplete recordings of some of our earlier stuff in. if you would like to check them out, just private message me and when listening, bare in mind we've better tunes in the works at the moment that we'd very much like you to be a part of!Please reply if you're interested or intrigued! Elliot'

Fancy Responding?
Do so on joinmyband.com or onto the blog =)
If any musicians in Southampton are reading, anyway...

For those who are following for the sake of being followers, I'd lie to present this as my way of making efforts towards securing a band asap!

Check the soundcloud URL i posted in an earlier post to listen to some incomplete recording samples of my stuff!

Thanks,
Elliot

Running. Why is it so hard?!?

So i began no.3 of the life plan this week, aiming to get fit without either suffering a heart attack or failing to push myself at all.
Monday i put on the silly poor runner's clothes - White t-shirt, Jogging bottoms, faded-white running shoes, wooly hat, white earphones - and jogged home. It was okay, run for 1 minute, walk hunched over panting for dear life for 2 minutes, repeat the cycle until home. It took me 45 minutes (give or take some seconds) to get home monday, as opposed to a 1hr 10min walk, which i think is good. Well I do, because I felt like I was pushing myself whenever my heart had slowed, even sprinting down the last 200m street. Unfit, but taking my first steps, and not being a sissy about it.
Tuesday - my legs. oh goodness, my legs. My weak knees were okay, but my thighs and various other leg muscles were not able to fully relax at any time.
Luckily, Wednesday presented me with few obstacles in the way of torn tissue and disheartenment. I was looking forward to my 2nd jog home, despite the reports of hefty winds battering the south, knocking down trees here and there, when the majority of my route is right through Southampton Common. So lots of trees.
Trouble was, I had forgotten that i was going to meet my granddad for lunch today, as I had no guitar lesson this week (We meet Wednesday lunchtimes as he helps me pay for them because he's a good Granddad. A bit of a rude git, but I wouldn't have him any other way. I'll probably let fly some stories about him soon.)
So i wandered south along Shirley high street for some lunch, which i demolished due to no breakfast (BAD when you're going to nog on that particular day!) As soon as i bin the rubbish, Gramps texts me:
"You comin' to subway Bruv?" (we talk like Chavs on the phone because he works for a local secondary school driving minibuses and we mock the kids all the time).
So I peg it down to subway, thinking 'I'm going to have such a stitch when I'm going home tonight' all the way. I did only have a 6-inch sub when i got there, but it was still too much.
He informs me he has a new girlfriend, probably the 5th this year, who "doesn't beat around the bush", whatever that means. Actually, I'm not sure I want to know. He's nearly 70 but acts like he's 21.

So after work, I adorned the humiliating gear of the ammeter jogger once again, and proceeded to walk up Shirley high street with some Dream Theatre in my ears to get me psyched for it, doing some stretches when i turned off the main street, and proceeding to move in a more brisk pace.
Surely enough, when i got to st. James' park (300yrds), I have a stitch. Or two. Ouch.
'Just turn up the music, Ellie' I tell myself, 'Pay no attention to the people giving you funny looks because of the sound of your rapid, deep breathing...'
Stiches all the way home, and it feels like i've run less than i did last time (45mins to get home 1st time).

But when i arrive home, i find i've done it in 30mins.
WTF BODY?!?!
You're stuffed with food, cold, stiff from previous run, and you improve by 15 minutes?
By that logic, i'll be home in a quarter of an hour on friday (which i doubt)!
Anyway, i suppose it's all progress.
Ooh, and Asthma hasn't showed up yet, so that's good!

Thanks for reading!
Elliot

A Song =)

So I said there might be music, and here's a little bit for you. Its called Goodbye Kiss, as the lyrics are to be based on a true story, Internet!
It's incomplete at the moment, but it still kicks some ass if you love your rock music!

http://soundcloud.com/elliot-miller-4/goodbye-kiss-incomplete-rec

Sorry it's a link and all. Blame Blogger for not having music upload enabled, which is silly because they have video, picture and text uploads -_-
Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think =)

Elliot

The Life Plan

Not so long ago, I made myself a short-term layout of things I wanted to get done or at least work towards. I made it out of frustration at myself. My problem is that I'm too lazy. When things are difficult, I just want to drop them. When there's a chance of failure I don't even bother trying. Well, except for when it's someone or something I utterly couldn't live without. So, it's like a load of early new years resolutions that I've started. Personally, I can't see any flaws in it as such, and i haven't been 100% true to it. I don't have to be, but I do want to be, otherwise what's the point?
So here it is.

1. Learn to drive – Pass theory & practical test.

(at least take one of each test before new year)

2. Finish recording the Album

(Nathan's bass, My/Simon's/?'s Guitars, Synth, Drums, Vocals, Effects, Mixes, Mastering, Artwork, Photography, Names, etc.

Get it al done by early 2013)

3. Get Fit
(Jog or Cycle for at least 1 Hour every 2-3 days. Mind your knees)

4. Give up junk food

(for at least the rest of the year. Does NOT include Subway! Or Pizza, at Dad's request)

5. Focus on your gifts

(Practice guitar regularly, for a decent amount of time. Rehearse with as many bandmates as you have regularly.

Be inspired by sounds, sights and emotions. Do not be afraid to pour your heart onto the lyric page, despite the stigma or scepticism of others.)

6. Honour God in all you do

'Be still, and know that I am God'

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and Love your neighbour as yourself'

'No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us'

'casting all your care upon him, for he cares for you'.

(Lead Cell group well. Help Aisleen with the youth work. Help Simon, Alan, Nathan and the Church Leaders and keep them in your prayers.

Give everything God has blessed you with back to him in prayers and in the way you use those skills, gifts, talents, abilities and blessings.

Repent; be sorry in conviction and changed in forgiveness. Read the word and take it to heart. Prayer is a two-way thing; speak, then listen)

7. Get Her back.

(Okay Ellie – you had a bad moment. But now it's time to pick yourself up, stop giving up on the things you love, and follow your heart. There will be those who will try and stop you and will try to stand in your way. But you can be stronger. If you follow your heart, nothing can get between you and your Moog. Nothing.

8. Make Her proud.

(It could take time. Longer than you'd like. But you're going to get somewhere if you keep on looking forward. And keep going until you can't give any more. To the day that she says “That's my Ellie, and I’m proud of him; and I love him”, and beyond.

9. Stop and assess where you are/where you are going

(are you sticking to the plan? Do you need to add to it or take things off of it? Can your current path be one that the Father would set out for you? How could you make your current situation any better/greater/more successful/more loving?)

10. Beat this thing

(Seriously now Elliot. It's time to end this. Put it in the ground. It is your enemy. It comes to destroy and leave you in the Void. Get out, keep running, and draw your sword against it. It took the person you loved more than anything because it grew stronger and stronger. But now you are stronger. Nothing can stop you now. Because your looking forwards. Your righteous anger that burns throughout your soul has set you free from old shackles. Now Go. Do these 10 things and more.)

You have the Gifts;

You have the Right.

You have the Heart and Mind;

You have the Strength.

And God will bless you and rejuvenate you all the way.

Now go get 'em Tiger.

Actually, re-reading it puts fire in my soul. I'm glad i did this, even the petty bits towards the top.

I started jogging today. I'm fitter than i thought i was, but my goodness does sprinting the last 200 metres or so hurt my insides. My knees are inherantly weak too, but they're alright at the moment. Will just have to watch them.
The fast food thing has had interesting results. I managed to stay off it for nearly a month, and one day i pretty much had McDonalds or nothing. It didnt fill me up, and i felt sick after it. Makes ya think really.
Number 10 is about beating my 'Voids'. I'll explain these in a future post, because it's sleepytime now for me. That is, if my brain will let me sleep tonight, and not wake me up with dreams of Her.

Goodnight =) x
Elliot

And after the introduction comes...

Something i wrote last night whilst thinking about everything that's happened to me recently. Those close to me will understand, others, i'm sure that if you really read it, you'll understand.

'Halfway through my first year of being an adult as of today, and i have realised one of my rare life lessons.
Sometimes, things become more and more grayscale in our daily lives. but there are always those things or those people that are the colours upon the canvas of life. Sometimes, you can get so caught up in the grayscale of life that you forget these colours, and then when they're gone, you r

ealise you loved them, and needed them to get by, every single day. Because without them, the black and white repetition of life forms a fog that follows you, envelops you and will ultimately turn you to dust & sand.
This is not a chain thread. It's me, telling those who bothered to read this that you are the colours of my canvas. Thank you. But there's a shade i'm missing from my pallet right now; and she was my favourite. And always will be.
This is not a chain thread. It's me, telling those who bothered to read this that you are the colours of my canvas. Thank you. But there's a shade i'm missing from my pallet right now; and she was my favourite. And always will be.'

To be fair, I did first post this on Facebook. Sounds pretentious, I know, bit it was written as a thank you to my friends for their constant support for me in a time of heartbreak that is still ongoing for me. Thought you may Apreciate the read, Internet =)

Elliot

So, first post onto the blog. Better make it a good one... Oh bollocks, I can't think of anything.
Well, fist off, my name's Elliot. I'm 18, decided not to go to Uni but am still debating weather or not to go in the future; I'm a musician and have been playing guitar for nearly 5 years now, and have written many songs with my good pal Nathan, whom i've known all my life. Unfortunately, we could never find like-minded musicians that would be staying around long enough for us to share our music & overall vision with, in order to create a unique and devoted ensemble - in other words, it would seem that for some reason, we can't friggin' well form a band at this moment in time.
I've made this blog as a place to write down thoughts and feelings that i may want to share on an appropriate platform, but also as a way to put into words the thoughts & feelings i find hard to externalise, in order to escape something i call Voids. I will explain these, in due time, but i'm afraid that i'm just not ready for that stage in our relationship, Internet.
I'll be posting mainly observations and thoughts, lamentations that could be confused with the witterings of an emo chick. sorry if that offends you somehow. but, you have been warned, and non-abusive feedback would be a nice thing to receive once in a while.
I may post some music up in here too sometimes. double it up as a band page (when/if i get there).
Oh, ignore my 'other' blogs. They were made for college A2 projects. booorriiinngg!
Thanks Mr/Mrs/Ms/Mz Interweb!