Void : A place of nothingness, where it would technically be like a cold dark cell, but to know that something is cold and dark, you'd need to be able to experience those things. A void is without meaning, feeling, or anything. it is not 'created', more so it just 'comes about'.
I first retreated into a void when my mum left. She had done some bad things, so she left, and said she would try not to do any more bad things. but she kept doing them. so i just left her to it, if that was how she wanted to live. She was my mum, and i would let her live however she wanted to, but i would not continue to allow myself to get hurt in the process, so we parted ways.
When my mum first sat me and my brother down with my dad, and told us she had been bad, it overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to say. Anger, Grief, Confusion and Fear came over me, as i saw the pillar of a man that my dad is weeping like a baby, and my mum's stone face with smeared mascara. my brother just got angry, as he always does. think the hulk but more stupid and a lot less actual power.
I was 15, and overwhelmed with these emotions, to such an extent that my brain just shut down. Like an emergency-protocol, it broke the fuse and stopped everything. That's a void, my friends.
Where so much conflicting emotion comes over you, that you allow yourself to be buried under it, not expressing or dealing with it, refusing to acknowledge that you feel anything at all. Just turning your eyes black and facing forwards. keeping a dead straight face, letting the colour flow from your face and the life leave your spirit. Your soul doesn't know wether to cry for help or feel this unnamed feeling, so it too, learns, in time, how to shut down.
I pretty much waltzed through that year until the following summer. I went to this camp called Revive, and it's a church camp. I went because Nathan was going and the last time i went, i was 8 i think. Anyway, i'm not going to sit here and type 'god gave me a release! hallelujah!' because he didn't. He did make me feel better about my parent's divorce, and give me hope in the continuation of my life, but something very special happened there - i fell in love.
It was the first love. You know? The one who you think is perfect and blameless, and you think you're Soul-mates from the first 5 minutes? Yeah. That kind of First Love.
Joanna, she was really lovely. A little messed up, but i liked her for who she was. the problem was that i thought i could save her. Ya know, being all hooked-up on the first love thang. and we had a great run, went to some great places, had lots of love between us, loved all her friends and family.
But her problems came to a head. She called me one day and said i wasn't helping her problems. It was long distance, but there were other things too. Every time one of us stayed round, it would feel more and more awkward around others for some reason, and we got closer and closer to the big no-no for young christians each time we were alone together. I think that's what it was.
She wasn't that much older than me at all, but she was more matured in love and sex than me. This was all new for me, for her it was just bad memories. Maybe i just reminded her of bad things that had happened before.
It did devastate me when she left me. I loved her, wanted her for the rest of my life, because i'm selfish like that. But here's the thing - it left a void in my life. I had love overflowing for her, now i had nowhere to channel it. So, through 1st year college, i had way too many relationships that involved trying to fill the Joanna void (i'll talk about these when i need to. I don't really think about them any more but they did hurt me too). Those relationships had me going further and further into relationship boundaries and getting nowhere except more and more into self-loathing. And they would always change. just as i was getting used to them, just as i had crammed them into the Joanna-shaped hole, they would change. hate me. rebel against the utmost 'love' i had for them.
It was just infatuation. Ugh.
Then, one day, Maddy LITERALLY dropped into my lap. and those voids went away.
For me, she was so easy to love. I didn't blindly see her as perfect, but i loved her 'flaws'. We were basically the same person, and that was awesome. But she was prettier than me, and i was way taller.
Again, another story, another day.
But Voids explained; Yoou cant cope with emotions that pounce on you all at once, or you have no idea what to do with the huge ammount of emotion you've just accumulated beause you can't trust it to someone - so you shut down, to avoid hurt, disgrace, failure, and furthermore, loss.
But that's all they end up in.
Loosing someone.
Thanks, this was a difficult post. You wait for the next ones though, elliot. Aye aye Aye...
Elliot
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