I realised I needed help a while ago. Help talking through things with someone. It couldn't be my family, I would have to talk about things they wouldn't want to know about, being their relative. Personal and private matters and such. And it couldn't be mates. I'd bore them or they just plain wouldn't understand, bless them.
I'd talk to god like usual, but, what would start as a prayer would become a rolling monologue of listing off everything that makes me feel those negative emotions.
And, of course, I'd most of all have wanted to talk through all this with Her, but shutting me out of her life completely, makes this...a difficult endeavour, shall we say.
Therapy, they call it. Really, it's just asking a trained and experienced advice-giver with a degree in telling people if they are or are not crazy if you need meds of any kind. The answer; no meds, but we are concerned for you. That's great and all, but they think I may juuust be something called bipolar. Look it up, it's wired and I don't like it and I can't explain in from my personal dimensions. Van Gough had it, apparently. The best thing I can say is this; it's an uncontrollable ability to feel literally nothing emotionally - then, all of a sudden, to feel an overwhelming force of emotional Everything git even the slightest thing.
That may be why I...
Actually, I don't think I'm ready to go there. Or of I should go there. Self analysis isn't great for someone who is in a stare of emotional turmoil ('oh, the self pity', I know =/)
Oh, and apparently my thinking aloud for hours on end is concerning to such an extent that it may be boarder line schizophrenia. I doubt that, and so do they, but it helps put things into a perspective. A wired, strange and distorted perspective. The Joker is a schizophrenic so that's both cool and slightly worrying. Still, I'm not at a murderous point like him; this orchestrated crap hasn't yet affected my sanity. Just my feelings. It makes them hurt again, to say the least.
Still miss her. To the extent where it's beginning to break my brain now.
Elliot
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Monday, 11 March 2013
Happy Birthday
It was her birthday last weekend. I know because google reminded me, on account of a reminder she set on my laptop months ago. I did used to remember it, but after months of not seeing someone you're bound to forget things about them.
I shouldn't have, but I texted her. 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't think I wanted a reply, but there was a part of me that checked my phone every 3 minutes. I realised part of me was so desperate for a reply that it didn't care if it was an angry or sad reply. Some pathetic part of me. It's probably fuelled by jealousy, what with the new fella she's got. Still feels like i should be there with her.
Also she keeps popping up in dreams. Randomly. But each time, i can't ignore her and the dream becomes about her. This leads to thinking about her all day, and by the time I'm done thinking of her, she raids another dream.
Gawsh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let this all go? Why after 4 months, haven't I stopped loving her?
I knew a date with someone else wouldn't work. Especially one that didn't turn out to be an actual date =L I can laugh about it now though. I just can't laugh about the other one. It still breaks my heart.
I shouldn't have, but I texted her. 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't think I wanted a reply, but there was a part of me that checked my phone every 3 minutes. I realised part of me was so desperate for a reply that it didn't care if it was an angry or sad reply. Some pathetic part of me. It's probably fuelled by jealousy, what with the new fella she's got. Still feels like i should be there with her.
Also she keeps popping up in dreams. Randomly. But each time, i can't ignore her and the dream becomes about her. This leads to thinking about her all day, and by the time I'm done thinking of her, she raids another dream.
Gawsh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let this all go? Why after 4 months, haven't I stopped loving her?
I knew a date with someone else wouldn't work. Especially one that didn't turn out to be an actual date =L I can laugh about it now though. I just can't laugh about the other one. It still breaks my heart.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Friend zone >.<
Ouch. Bummer. However you want to describe it, it sucks don't it.
You know...your such a good FRIEND - this is a great FRIEND date - you're my FRIEND to talk to - you FRIEND me NOT INTERESTED etc
Oh we'll. she's a bit more mad than I thought. Mad in the way she lives, not fun mad. 2 very different people on two very different lives.
My pride's a little bruised, as is to be expected, but that's not what hurts.
What hurts is that it's the first girl I've liked since my last and best relationship and the door's shut to me. It makes you think you'll not find anyone ever again.
My last relationship - pretty much going out with my best friend, alike in so many ways it was the tops. This girl though? Cute, but probably not really what I was looking for.
Still, a resounding whisper says 'forever alone, missed your chance, weren't supposed to loose the last one' speaks to me. I know that's a lie (I won't be forever alone) but it has made me think about how much I've missed out on/thrown away in the last 4+ months. The answer is a lot.
I can only take comfort (if you can call it that) on the fact that it wasn't completely 100% my fault. And even if it was, I was more sorry for it than o have ever been in my life, so if she really loved/wanted me, she would have taken me back/continued with me.
I always did tell her I loved her more...just didn't expect to be proven right like that. Sure, I know I was selfish for a little while, and I still don't really know why, but it didn't have to be the end of it all, no way. And I know I'm worth better than bring someone who's only liked and loved when I'm mr.perfect. I am.
I've finally come to it. It was the end of hoping she'll knock the door and we'd mutually apologise, kiss and make up about a month ago. But now, I know that even if it did happen, from now on, or would be too late. It's a long time, I know, but there was a whole lotta love going on. And we got there in the end.
Oh well, only one tear shed instead of the dozens I remember. Symbolic, I think.
Loves ya, Internet!
Elliot
You know...your such a good FRIEND - this is a great FRIEND date - you're my FRIEND to talk to - you FRIEND me NOT INTERESTED etc
Oh we'll. she's a bit more mad than I thought. Mad in the way she lives, not fun mad. 2 very different people on two very different lives.
My pride's a little bruised, as is to be expected, but that's not what hurts.
What hurts is that it's the first girl I've liked since my last and best relationship and the door's shut to me. It makes you think you'll not find anyone ever again.
My last relationship - pretty much going out with my best friend, alike in so many ways it was the tops. This girl though? Cute, but probably not really what I was looking for.
Still, a resounding whisper says 'forever alone, missed your chance, weren't supposed to loose the last one' speaks to me. I know that's a lie (I won't be forever alone) but it has made me think about how much I've missed out on/thrown away in the last 4+ months. The answer is a lot.
I can only take comfort (if you can call it that) on the fact that it wasn't completely 100% my fault. And even if it was, I was more sorry for it than o have ever been in my life, so if she really loved/wanted me, she would have taken me back/continued with me.
I always did tell her I loved her more...just didn't expect to be proven right like that. Sure, I know I was selfish for a little while, and I still don't really know why, but it didn't have to be the end of it all, no way. And I know I'm worth better than bring someone who's only liked and loved when I'm mr.perfect. I am.
I've finally come to it. It was the end of hoping she'll knock the door and we'd mutually apologise, kiss and make up about a month ago. But now, I know that even if it did happen, from now on, or would be too late. It's a long time, I know, but there was a whole lotta love going on. And we got there in the end.
Oh well, only one tear shed instead of the dozens I remember. Symbolic, I think.
Loves ya, Internet!
Elliot
Monday, 25 February 2013
FFS!!
My pass-plus scheme certificate came through the door - problem is, it's addressed to an Elliot Millor. Who's Elliot Millor? I don't remember paying for his pass-plus... FFS!!
OOH! We found a guitarist for Hinged - Simeon. Fantastic player. Nice guy. Pretty spaced out but absolutely great player.
He learned one of our songs in 10 minutes, which rules because most if our songs are normally that long =L
Auditioning a drummer in a fortnight too. Fingers crossed!!
And going to Center parks on Friday - FINALLY, a holiday!
Sorry there's been no update for an age. Nothing was really going on in Le life.
Rest assured, there's a girl on the agenda. It's just been slow ;)
Ta,
Elliot
OOH! We found a guitarist for Hinged - Simeon. Fantastic player. Nice guy. Pretty spaced out but absolutely great player.
He learned one of our songs in 10 minutes, which rules because most if our songs are normally that long =L
Auditioning a drummer in a fortnight too. Fingers crossed!!
And going to Center parks on Friday - FINALLY, a holiday!
Sorry there's been no update for an age. Nothing was really going on in Le life.
Rest assured, there's a girl on the agenda. It's just been slow ;)
Ta,
Elliot
Monday, 11 February 2013
The End Hero Saga
So I started writing a comic script with a friend, we need an artist but I've been getting really into story boarding and character developing, particularly with an original superhero idea I've had for quite some time.
This is the overview and introduction to the city in which it is all based (inspirations from batman, judge Dredd with original concepts).
---------------------------------
Southbank City, the world's first true Mega-City. It is a twisted and vile tree that has grown out of the filth of poverty and lawlessness and gives roost to the birds of despair and ruin. It spans across much of the southern sea board of England and is clouded in a permanent, thick brown and black fog. It stretches as far as the eye can see, an unbroken chain of roads, walls, towers, slums, warehouses and halted construction sites. From the Isle if Wight, known now as the wealthy island district of Southbrook, it can be viewed as the steel and concrete fortifications of hell-on-earth, that has risen strikingly out if the sea to form a rusty prison around the city.
The many towers' brickwork is crumbling all around and exposed steel struts rust away. Beside the clean and brightly lit roads lay men and women in cardboard boxes, lean-to's and makeshift slums. Homeless. Jobless. Lifeless. Dying in the gutters they call their homes.
Slums dominate the city, encircled by the tower blocks and corporation buildings. Council houses and private residences are dyed black by the dust carried in the air, the natural life that remains there struggles against the toxic air in order to survive; and the people fair no better.
Sub-humans, made so by their blackened hearts. Chaos rules the streets and the rich try to escape its clutches by building higher and higher concrete structures, so hastily constructed that the brickwork cracks and metal buckles beneath the weight if it all. But the towers cannot escape chaos' creeping shroud; the smog is forced up by the harsh, gritty sea winds and encircles the mega-city, resembling a vast, slow turning, rust-coloured tornado, coloured by the crumbling brick dust and ageing iron compounds of the city.
The city is ruled by the notoriously immoral multi-business corporation, Magog Industries, run by the tycoon Peter Gog (whose business partner, Stephen Martin, died in suspicious circumstances). His far stretching influence created the city, investing in businesses then selling off the shares at the first opportunity, taking with him the great men of business that he had found in his investments, leaving those companies to fail and go bankrupt, then starting up another and repeating the cycle of wealth. Most of the city's abandoned places once bore the emblem of Magog multi-industries and at some point would have been a hive of business activity. Now they are ghostly, rusting shells of a former prosperity. The formerly employed resemble the buildings - withering, purposeless and forgotten. They struggle on, none better off than any other. Some cling to the last glimpse of hope. Some have learned to hate hope, like a bitter lie that rips the soul from the spirit. But they are not forgotten.
"I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
The shepherd is coming, but an appointed one will walk before him. Southbank must not perish. The world must not end before the appointed time. His servants will rise to save the world, until the day of reckoning is at hand. On this day, the Hero of the End has emerged.
This is the overview and introduction to the city in which it is all based (inspirations from batman, judge Dredd with original concepts).
---------------------------------
Southbank City, the world's first true Mega-City. It is a twisted and vile tree that has grown out of the filth of poverty and lawlessness and gives roost to the birds of despair and ruin. It spans across much of the southern sea board of England and is clouded in a permanent, thick brown and black fog. It stretches as far as the eye can see, an unbroken chain of roads, walls, towers, slums, warehouses and halted construction sites. From the Isle if Wight, known now as the wealthy island district of Southbrook, it can be viewed as the steel and concrete fortifications of hell-on-earth, that has risen strikingly out if the sea to form a rusty prison around the city.
The many towers' brickwork is crumbling all around and exposed steel struts rust away. Beside the clean and brightly lit roads lay men and women in cardboard boxes, lean-to's and makeshift slums. Homeless. Jobless. Lifeless. Dying in the gutters they call their homes.
Slums dominate the city, encircled by the tower blocks and corporation buildings. Council houses and private residences are dyed black by the dust carried in the air, the natural life that remains there struggles against the toxic air in order to survive; and the people fair no better.
Sub-humans, made so by their blackened hearts. Chaos rules the streets and the rich try to escape its clutches by building higher and higher concrete structures, so hastily constructed that the brickwork cracks and metal buckles beneath the weight if it all. But the towers cannot escape chaos' creeping shroud; the smog is forced up by the harsh, gritty sea winds and encircles the mega-city, resembling a vast, slow turning, rust-coloured tornado, coloured by the crumbling brick dust and ageing iron compounds of the city.
The city is ruled by the notoriously immoral multi-business corporation, Magog Industries, run by the tycoon Peter Gog (whose business partner, Stephen Martin, died in suspicious circumstances). His far stretching influence created the city, investing in businesses then selling off the shares at the first opportunity, taking with him the great men of business that he had found in his investments, leaving those companies to fail and go bankrupt, then starting up another and repeating the cycle of wealth. Most of the city's abandoned places once bore the emblem of Magog multi-industries and at some point would have been a hive of business activity. Now they are ghostly, rusting shells of a former prosperity. The formerly employed resemble the buildings - withering, purposeless and forgotten. They struggle on, none better off than any other. Some cling to the last glimpse of hope. Some have learned to hate hope, like a bitter lie that rips the soul from the spirit. But they are not forgotten.
"I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
The shepherd is coming, but an appointed one will walk before him. Southbank must not perish. The world must not end before the appointed time. His servants will rise to save the world, until the day of reckoning is at hand. On this day, the Hero of the End has emerged.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Monday, 4 February 2013
Musician's update
I did the audition, and it was pretty cool. Good band. Not my dream band but no one gets that really. I thought I'd not want to join but I think I do now. I'd love to have two projects; my progressive and more diverse music in a project with Nathan and my some more rocky energy-based music in another. One band to show the love of musicality and another band to show the love of atmosphere, although those things will probably cross over more than rarely.
Still not in the Fringe, auditioning further this Saturday. It was very much me learning their stuff, next time it's letting them work with my stuff. I think we jelled nicely so that's good.
Also still auditioning folks for Hinged, the progressive group. Got guitarist auditions this Saturday evening and the following Saturday evening, a few people have replied at last. Everything's going steady but well.
And in my personal development, I've got much better too. That's really awesome. I love this =D
Shame it's not my actual job =/ yet....
Elliot
Still not in the Fringe, auditioning further this Saturday. It was very much me learning their stuff, next time it's letting them work with my stuff. I think we jelled nicely so that's good.
Also still auditioning folks for Hinged, the progressive group. Got guitarist auditions this Saturday evening and the following Saturday evening, a few people have replied at last. Everything's going steady but well.
And in my personal development, I've got much better too. That's really awesome. I love this =D
Shame it's not my actual job =/ yet....
Elliot
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