Turns out the picture I posted last time is pretty accurate. I'm most probably an Introvert.
That word has bad connotations as a loner or bad social skills - but it actually means I can have a great social life but revert to being alone to recuperate energy and sort out my head.
Their giving me 'bipolar tendencies' too though, because even anintrovert doesn't hide himself in his room for two weeks and not speak to, call, text or communicate with anyone at all; especially if he had a girlfriend, friends and family at this point.
They say this explains why I like running, guitaring, gaming, writing etc - because it's alone time to think or to hone some skills or my body.
Makes seance really.
Elliot
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
I found an explanation for my Voids
See attached pic.
Shame I didn't find this 4+ months ago really =L would have explained a lot
Shame I didn't find this 4+ months ago really =L would have explained a lot
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Asking for help
I realised I needed help a while ago. Help talking through things with someone. It couldn't be my family, I would have to talk about things they wouldn't want to know about, being their relative. Personal and private matters and such. And it couldn't be mates. I'd bore them or they just plain wouldn't understand, bless them.
I'd talk to god like usual, but, what would start as a prayer would become a rolling monologue of listing off everything that makes me feel those negative emotions.
And, of course, I'd most of all have wanted to talk through all this with Her, but shutting me out of her life completely, makes this...a difficult endeavour, shall we say.
Therapy, they call it. Really, it's just asking a trained and experienced advice-giver with a degree in telling people if they are or are not crazy if you need meds of any kind. The answer; no meds, but we are concerned for you. That's great and all, but they think I may juuust be something called bipolar. Look it up, it's wired and I don't like it and I can't explain in from my personal dimensions. Van Gough had it, apparently. The best thing I can say is this; it's an uncontrollable ability to feel literally nothing emotionally - then, all of a sudden, to feel an overwhelming force of emotional Everything git even the slightest thing.
That may be why I...
Actually, I don't think I'm ready to go there. Or of I should go there. Self analysis isn't great for someone who is in a stare of emotional turmoil ('oh, the self pity', I know =/)
Oh, and apparently my thinking aloud for hours on end is concerning to such an extent that it may be boarder line schizophrenia. I doubt that, and so do they, but it helps put things into a perspective. A wired, strange and distorted perspective. The Joker is a schizophrenic so that's both cool and slightly worrying. Still, I'm not at a murderous point like him; this orchestrated crap hasn't yet affected my sanity. Just my feelings. It makes them hurt again, to say the least.
Still miss her. To the extent where it's beginning to break my brain now.
Elliot
I'd talk to god like usual, but, what would start as a prayer would become a rolling monologue of listing off everything that makes me feel those negative emotions.
And, of course, I'd most of all have wanted to talk through all this with Her, but shutting me out of her life completely, makes this...a difficult endeavour, shall we say.
Therapy, they call it. Really, it's just asking a trained and experienced advice-giver with a degree in telling people if they are or are not crazy if you need meds of any kind. The answer; no meds, but we are concerned for you. That's great and all, but they think I may juuust be something called bipolar. Look it up, it's wired and I don't like it and I can't explain in from my personal dimensions. Van Gough had it, apparently. The best thing I can say is this; it's an uncontrollable ability to feel literally nothing emotionally - then, all of a sudden, to feel an overwhelming force of emotional Everything git even the slightest thing.
That may be why I...
Actually, I don't think I'm ready to go there. Or of I should go there. Self analysis isn't great for someone who is in a stare of emotional turmoil ('oh, the self pity', I know =/)
Oh, and apparently my thinking aloud for hours on end is concerning to such an extent that it may be boarder line schizophrenia. I doubt that, and so do they, but it helps put things into a perspective. A wired, strange and distorted perspective. The Joker is a schizophrenic so that's both cool and slightly worrying. Still, I'm not at a murderous point like him; this orchestrated crap hasn't yet affected my sanity. Just my feelings. It makes them hurt again, to say the least.
Still miss her. To the extent where it's beginning to break my brain now.
Elliot
Monday, 11 March 2013
Happy Birthday
It was her birthday last weekend. I know because google reminded me, on account of a reminder she set on my laptop months ago. I did used to remember it, but after months of not seeing someone you're bound to forget things about them.
I shouldn't have, but I texted her. 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't think I wanted a reply, but there was a part of me that checked my phone every 3 minutes. I realised part of me was so desperate for a reply that it didn't care if it was an angry or sad reply. Some pathetic part of me. It's probably fuelled by jealousy, what with the new fella she's got. Still feels like i should be there with her.
Also she keeps popping up in dreams. Randomly. But each time, i can't ignore her and the dream becomes about her. This leads to thinking about her all day, and by the time I'm done thinking of her, she raids another dream.
Gawsh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let this all go? Why after 4 months, haven't I stopped loving her?
I knew a date with someone else wouldn't work. Especially one that didn't turn out to be an actual date =L I can laugh about it now though. I just can't laugh about the other one. It still breaks my heart.
I shouldn't have, but I texted her. 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't think I wanted a reply, but there was a part of me that checked my phone every 3 minutes. I realised part of me was so desperate for a reply that it didn't care if it was an angry or sad reply. Some pathetic part of me. It's probably fuelled by jealousy, what with the new fella she's got. Still feels like i should be there with her.
Also she keeps popping up in dreams. Randomly. But each time, i can't ignore her and the dream becomes about her. This leads to thinking about her all day, and by the time I'm done thinking of her, she raids another dream.
Gawsh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let this all go? Why after 4 months, haven't I stopped loving her?
I knew a date with someone else wouldn't work. Especially one that didn't turn out to be an actual date =L I can laugh about it now though. I just can't laugh about the other one. It still breaks my heart.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Friend zone >.<
Ouch. Bummer. However you want to describe it, it sucks don't it.
You know...your such a good FRIEND - this is a great FRIEND date - you're my FRIEND to talk to - you FRIEND me NOT INTERESTED etc
Oh we'll. she's a bit more mad than I thought. Mad in the way she lives, not fun mad. 2 very different people on two very different lives.
My pride's a little bruised, as is to be expected, but that's not what hurts.
What hurts is that it's the first girl I've liked since my last and best relationship and the door's shut to me. It makes you think you'll not find anyone ever again.
My last relationship - pretty much going out with my best friend, alike in so many ways it was the tops. This girl though? Cute, but probably not really what I was looking for.
Still, a resounding whisper says 'forever alone, missed your chance, weren't supposed to loose the last one' speaks to me. I know that's a lie (I won't be forever alone) but it has made me think about how much I've missed out on/thrown away in the last 4+ months. The answer is a lot.
I can only take comfort (if you can call it that) on the fact that it wasn't completely 100% my fault. And even if it was, I was more sorry for it than o have ever been in my life, so if she really loved/wanted me, she would have taken me back/continued with me.
I always did tell her I loved her more...just didn't expect to be proven right like that. Sure, I know I was selfish for a little while, and I still don't really know why, but it didn't have to be the end of it all, no way. And I know I'm worth better than bring someone who's only liked and loved when I'm mr.perfect. I am.
I've finally come to it. It was the end of hoping she'll knock the door and we'd mutually apologise, kiss and make up about a month ago. But now, I know that even if it did happen, from now on, or would be too late. It's a long time, I know, but there was a whole lotta love going on. And we got there in the end.
Oh well, only one tear shed instead of the dozens I remember. Symbolic, I think.
Loves ya, Internet!
Elliot
You know...your such a good FRIEND - this is a great FRIEND date - you're my FRIEND to talk to - you FRIEND me NOT INTERESTED etc
Oh we'll. she's a bit more mad than I thought. Mad in the way she lives, not fun mad. 2 very different people on two very different lives.
My pride's a little bruised, as is to be expected, but that's not what hurts.
What hurts is that it's the first girl I've liked since my last and best relationship and the door's shut to me. It makes you think you'll not find anyone ever again.
My last relationship - pretty much going out with my best friend, alike in so many ways it was the tops. This girl though? Cute, but probably not really what I was looking for.
Still, a resounding whisper says 'forever alone, missed your chance, weren't supposed to loose the last one' speaks to me. I know that's a lie (I won't be forever alone) but it has made me think about how much I've missed out on/thrown away in the last 4+ months. The answer is a lot.
I can only take comfort (if you can call it that) on the fact that it wasn't completely 100% my fault. And even if it was, I was more sorry for it than o have ever been in my life, so if she really loved/wanted me, she would have taken me back/continued with me.
I always did tell her I loved her more...just didn't expect to be proven right like that. Sure, I know I was selfish for a little while, and I still don't really know why, but it didn't have to be the end of it all, no way. And I know I'm worth better than bring someone who's only liked and loved when I'm mr.perfect. I am.
I've finally come to it. It was the end of hoping she'll knock the door and we'd mutually apologise, kiss and make up about a month ago. But now, I know that even if it did happen, from now on, or would be too late. It's a long time, I know, but there was a whole lotta love going on. And we got there in the end.
Oh well, only one tear shed instead of the dozens I remember. Symbolic, I think.
Loves ya, Internet!
Elliot
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