New Years

So the plan seems to be, go to pub quiz with a crack team of people that know absolutely nothing, myself included, followed by the consummation of gratuitous amounts of alcohol in order to destroy what brain cells we have left.
Sounds excellent! Happy new year, Internet!

Elliot

Closed chapters

Well u did it. Those letters went back. And I got my stuff back. Not much conversation or eye contact, but enough to see that she's still beautiful, and I'd still take her back, even after all this. I'm just not going to wait anymore.
Believe me, if she knocked on the door right now, I don't know what I'd do, other than refuse to let her go ever again. But I'm not going to sit on the doorstep and wait for a miracle anymore.
If you still want me, I'm never far away.
And like I said this morning to you, bloggers: I'll always love her in an unconditional way. Because... Well because... I just do.

Elliot

Christmas and shizzld after

Christmas was good, people liked all the presents I got them, and the family was all happy and stuff. Oh! And I won a box of chocolates at the costume party as Gandalf :L good times...
I updated the life plan yesterday. Put a big cross through 'get her back'. I'd be lying if I said I don't love her any more, but we've become very different people since the breakup, so it can't ever be the same. That's not to say that it ever would be though, I suppose. Oh well. I think I love her differently anyway now; not romantically longingly, more like wanting the best for her because I remember she's worth the best, and nothing less. I suppose that's the closest thing to unconditional love that man can feel for each other,
Looks like she has new horizons with someone else now anyway, not that I'm completely sure. Meh. I'll deliver those letters back and that will be the end of it...until she gives me my stuff back lol!
So my friend whose been rather depressed about failed relationships OS in another relationship again. That would be fine normally, but i was at his house 2 weeks ago and he made no mention of any romantic interests. Jumping into a relationship will probably get you hurt, most of us know this. I thought he did too. Maybe he does, I dunno. Good guy though, I hope he's not trying to find comfort for depression in relationships though - they'll probably fail him, when he's surrounded by awesome family and friends that adore him.
I love you man, and wish you all the luck and god-blessings on the world.

Elliot

Theory test and the LoTR marathon

Passed my driving theory yesterday with flying colours! And how did I manage to pass?
Lord of the Rings marathon of course!
This was brought on by the hysterical joy brought forth by An Unexpected Journey in Aisleen and I, and the fact that I hadn't seen the films for yonks.
So I haven't seen the extended editions before, which is crazy because it was practically my childhood, and OH MY WORD did I love it.
In fact, after the Fellowship... I could only hear the theme tune in my head during the aptly quiet hazard perception in my head, which may have distracted me slightly.
Anyway, what did we do to celebrate my pass?
Watch the Two Towers of course!!!
My fave of the 3 somehow got better. And oh my giddy aunt, Aragon DIES for a few scenes in this version?!?!
Ah we'll. just no. 3 to look forward to now on Saturday :D
Funnily enough, there's a costume party I'm off to on Saturday, and guess who I'm going as...
I'll keep ya posted, Internet ;)

Elliot

Return to sender

She wrote me these silly little letters that I absolutely loved. And we used to hide post-it notes for each other a lot. She wrote them more than I did but I think she liked it that way, being a writer and all. Still, they all make my heart sink now, because of how much I miss her, whereas they always used to make me so glad. One can even bring me to tears every time. So I've decided I'm going to return them.
To me, they're memories I'll always cherish, but they armed from the same heart any more. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes she'll read them and have some sort of awakening love in her heart that will suddenly bring her back. But mainly, it's to help me move on. Trying to do do now, because I could well be hung up over her for the rest of my life, but that's not how I want to be. I'd happily love her for the rest of my life, but I can only do so if the feelings mutual. So here goes. Another step into the unknown of my now nearly-directionless life.
I'll pop it round whenever I feel up to it; then of course I'll run like hell.

Elliot

OhGodWhy.jpg

I was having such a nice day. Then I get blanked on the way home by perhaps the most awkward of people to bump into on the way home; 2 of Her friends from Bath.
OhGodWhy.jpg
Oh we'll. to be completely honest, I'm moving on now. I gave her a month, because I love her and all, and I got blanked for the whole thing. Over time I've just felt more and more...content. She wasn't my only avenue in life, and I did as much as I could. gave it my best shot. And I've just accepted it. And I think there are some things that I've buried to keep the relationship all fine and dandy, and I don't want to do that any more. I want someone I can pray with, not someone I have to bury my faith for.
And I'm not trying to make it out like om mr. Perfect, maybe/probably she had to do a similar thing. Oh we'll. people change, and things always come to the surface no matter how far down you bury it. I'm not sad any more so that's enough.

Thank you my friends. YOU got through it and you're the colours in my canvas x

Elliot

The Hobbit

Seen it, twice.
Last night me and some friends had this sudden impulse to go see it in 3D, so we did. T'was awesome.
Jonny, my brother, came home from uni today and asked if we could go see the hobbit. So of course I went again, this time in 2D. Awesome still.
I thought it was better in 2D because 3D always makes me dizzy and I think the colours are better on 2D. Didn't notice any difference when it came to frame-rate, but that's okay, I suppose it's 'hi-def'.

All quiet on the workman front

Work is going quickly today. Half of our team is either on holiday or off ill so I'm doing more stuff. Thankfully it's not overly busy so its not piling up on me, I'm just not finding myself on Rage Comics every 5 minutes.
Funny thing is I do have time to make this blog post on my phone. Lol. And they complain that we need more staff...
That, and i'm discussing judge dredd over Facebook with fellow comic enthusiasts. Good day? I suppose, that is, if my fricking bank would let me buy cinema tickets online =( I may now miss the Hobbit opening night. I'll go Saturday with Aisleen but, opening night, man!
She's forced me to abandon going in full Gandalf costume, which I was looking forward to doing; turning up at the cinema to see if the usher can guess which film I'm there to see.
Back to work now
Elliot

An update for y'all

On average it's taking 35 mins to get home on runs now.
Running means I'm getting a Huge appetite. I'm still growing + I'm now regularly exercising + I'm already renowned for eating too much and too fast. Yikes. Food bills are only going to keep going up, up, up at this rate :S
Learning chord and scale theory for the next few weeks in guitar lessons. Boring theory, but interesting workings of modes and such.
Feeling better about things now. Just decided to let things run their course. If things come around again, then great, and if new things come around, I'll be just as happy. I'm confident that things will be looking up in the new year.
Oh, and it is Christmas soon,
And my old guitarist and friend simon's back this Saturday. Hurray!

Thanks internet
Elliot

Def: a 'Void' & the 'Jo' year

Void : A place of nothingness, where it would technically be like a cold dark cell, but to know that something is cold and dark, you'd need to be able to experience those things. A void is without meaning, feeling, or anything. it is not 'created', more so it just 'comes about'.

I first retreated into a void when my mum left. She had done some bad things, so she left, and said she would try not to do any more bad things. but she kept doing them. so i just left her to it, if that was how she wanted to live. She was my mum, and i would let her live however she wanted to, but i would not continue to allow myself to get hurt in the process, so we parted ways.

When my mum first sat me and my brother down with my dad, and told us she had been bad, it overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to say. Anger, Grief, Confusion and Fear came over me, as i saw the pillar of a man that my dad is weeping like a baby, and my mum's stone face with smeared mascara. my brother just got angry, as he always does. think the hulk but more stupid and a lot less actual power.
I was 15, and overwhelmed with these emotions, to such an extent that my brain just shut down. Like an emergency-protocol, it broke the fuse and stopped everything. That's a void, my friends.

Where so much conflicting emotion comes over you, that you allow yourself to be buried under it, not expressing or dealing with it, refusing to acknowledge that you feel anything at all. Just turning your eyes black and facing forwards. keeping a dead straight face, letting the colour flow from your face and the life leave your spirit. Your soul doesn't know wether to cry for help or feel this unnamed feeling, so it too, learns, in time, how to shut down.

I pretty much waltzed through that year until the following summer. I went to this camp called Revive, and it's a church camp. I went because Nathan was going and the last time i went, i was 8 i think. Anyway, i'm not going to sit here and type 'god gave me a release! hallelujah!' because he didn't. He did make me feel better about my parent's divorce, and give me hope in the continuation of my life, but something very special happened there - i fell in love.

It was the first love. You know? The one who you think is perfect and blameless, and you think you're Soul-mates from the first 5 minutes? Yeah. That kind of First Love.

Joanna, she was really lovely. A little messed up, but i liked her for who she was. the problem was that i thought i could save her. Ya know, being all hooked-up on the first love thang. and we had a great run, went to some great places, had lots of love between us, loved all her friends and family.
But her problems came to a head. She called me one day and said i wasn't helping her problems. It was long distance, but there were other things too. Every time one of us stayed round, it would feel more and more awkward around others for some reason, and we got closer and closer to the big no-no for young christians each time we were alone together. I think that's what it was.
She wasn't that much older than me at all, but she was more matured in love and sex than me. This was all new for me, for her it was just bad memories. Maybe i just reminded her of bad things that had happened before.

It did devastate me when she left me. I loved her, wanted her for the rest of my life, because i'm selfish like that. But here's the thing - it left a void in my life. I had love overflowing for her, now i had nowhere to channel it. So, through 1st year college, i had way too many relationships that involved trying to fill the Joanna void (i'll talk about these when i need to. I don't really think about them any more but they did hurt me too). Those relationships had me going further and further into relationship boundaries and getting nowhere except more and more into self-loathing. And they would always change. just as i was getting used to them, just as i had crammed them into the Joanna-shaped hole, they would change. hate me. rebel against the utmost 'love' i had for them.
It was just infatuation. Ugh.

Then, one day, Maddy LITERALLY dropped into my lap. and those voids went away.
For me, she was so easy to love. I didn't blindly see her as perfect, but i loved her 'flaws'. We were basically the same person, and that was awesome. But she was prettier than me, and i was way taller.
Again, another story, another day.

But Voids explained; Yoou cant cope with emotions that pounce on you all at once, or you have no idea what to do with the huge ammount of emotion you've just accumulated beause you can't trust it to someone - so you shut down, to avoid hurt, disgrace, failure, and furthermore, loss.
But that's all they end up in.
Loosing someone.

Thanks, this was a difficult post. You wait for the next ones though, elliot. Aye aye Aye...

Elliot

Sorry it's been a while

Yeah, i really want this to be daily/every-other-daily but ya know; life.

Running this week, monday was fine, 30 mins, decided to run wednesday, thursday & friday in a row too, which was pushing myself but mabye a little too much, as my times dropped to 40 mins average on the last two days and my legs twinge when  i go up stairs 2 at a time. Still, getting better though =)
Managed to pick up the guitar a decent amount this week, including a 3 hour session i'm quite proud of,  learning some wierd techniques this week that involves switching the left and right hand roles over, doing some insane tap timings and tap harmonics, and some kind of harpsichord techniques on the guitar. All very cool, shame i'm a bit naff at it all at the moment.
Wrighters block for music has lifted though! i wrote a nice clean piece with finger technique on the 7 string, and i downloaded a jordan rudess app onto the iphone and have been playing around with the sounds and settings of that to mabye include in songs as samples or backing instruments =)
Miss her lots. Being logical about it now, if she doesn't talk to me by sometime january at least, i'll move on from all this. By that, i mean i'll make no more efforts to continue trying to salvage our relationship, and if she wants me after that time, it will be completely up to her to come get me, which i'll not say no to, i just won't be waiting any more. I feel that 2 months is long enough to wait, and it's been more than 1 month now.
Only other girl i quite like at the moment is one that friendzones pretty much Everyone i know that has ever liked her, or that she herself has liked. oh well, i would rather have maddy, so that's probably not fair on any other girl. Take note, people - if you still love someone, don't go out with someone else, it will end badly for So many reasons. i learned that the hard way a few years ago, as a lot of people do.
Recording's coming along well, found some good tones for my guitars so the recordings don't sound so gravely any more. Huzzah.
And, i'm waiting for some local musicians to get back to me about some audition dates!
Thanks bloggers!

Elliot x

Today - ups and downs

Ups -
Got an iphone (only a 4, but it's better than the breaking thing i've had for an age now.)
As well as 2 guitarists replying to my ad a few days ago, a drummer has responded and is interested!

Downs -
Didn't pass my driving theory test =( almost perfect on driving theory, but 3 points short on hazard perception
REALLY miss Maddy. That's her name, Internet. We're not talking at the moment, at her request, and I miss her so much. My weekends just dont seem like downtime anymore, because every free second is usually spent with her or on my guitar, and I haven't seen her or talked with her for over a month now, and there's been no guitar for a week due to driving theory studies.

I suppose I should explain, Internet. About Maddy I mean.
Well, she's the only person I've ever been able to describe as 'Soul-Mate'. I would often comment that it was strange how we were always on the same wavelength, but that was the best thing about it, really.
Which is amazing, seeing as I beleve in Chaos Theory (although not absolute, as I also beleive in Soft Determinism, where some things in life are/could be determined by completely the cdompletely free choices you've made earlier in life).
Anyway, she and I had been going out for about 10-months, which was the longest relationship of my life, but it was also the Best relationship of bothour lives.

Voids destroyed it. One came into my life, and when i had managed to get rid of it, it seemed to pass onto her. And now I can only hope and pray that it leaves her alone.
I'll begin a new post soon to explain these terms I'm using. It'll probably be the next post. Not that anyone's reading this blog at this time. And yes, that makes me sad, but this blog is primarily to help me externalise things I'd otherwise bottle up, it is just nice when people care about you enough to keep up with this sort of thing.
I know she would. but she's gone now. And that's the saddest part for me.

Goodnight bloggers,
Elliot