I think your making things worse now, blog.

Its just not a level playing field - she can see all the thoughts i post (honest and difficult truths) and she doesnt give me the same, out of conversation or messages or anything.

That makes me feel weak. Pathetic, like a dying soul of a man, clutching helplessly at the ankles of his former lover who is on the arms of an envied, hated man.

Im not sure if i can do it anymore, blog. Im really not.

Everything i do isn't good enough. Every mistake i make either sticks around or its consequences are eternally present and unforgiven. Any steps i take to try and help myself are immediately blocked. My life, which at one point felt so amazingly, spontaneously perfect is now swept away into something that now really isnt worth living.

I really hope i get out of this alive, butwhat hope is there for life without it's purpose of loving to be loved.

God, i hope i make this...

Another article

This time, its www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

Its about introverts who don't leave the house and barely have the emotional energy to get up in the morning. It develops into a mental illness.

Its quite an eye-opener, as during my time spent not talking to anyone, i didn't leave my room except to go to work. And there i talked to no one around me.

Its quite shocking to read that this 'hikikomori', or an extreme withdrawal, is about the worse case scenario of what i could have become. Luckily for me, i snapped out of it. Heartbreak woke me up, but God saved me from the dark aftermath.

It reads that these 'otaku', those with hikikomori introvertism, are not emotionally dead, but are somewhat emotionally overwhelmed, to the point where they just shut down. I think thats actually how i felt.

After all, i panicked for those two weeks, and tried to shut out the world so that i wouldn't have to face the delusionally imagined nightmare-world where i had to choose between Maddy and God; between my personal dreams and our collective dreams. Of corse, i realise now that it was never a choice that had to be made; i could love both my God AND my Girl, and our personal ambitions had shaped our shared ones. I was so foolish and that's a regret i have to live with, because she's not forgiving me and shes not coming back.

And that means there was never any closure. That means that it still hurts to think of her with someone else, casting me aside and never responding to the Very occasional hello.

It's Crap.

Anyway, in the article, an expert points out that 'young people in western societies frequently "take time out" in gap years or have "false starts" on careers or courses' and all 'without attracting stigma'. This is why no-one realised that i was spiralling downwards, it's just accepted by society, even our immediately close relatives/friends don't  suspect anything. I certainly didn't, and it was happening to myself! I feel that there needs to be an awareness of this, especially if its something like this, thats powerful enough to drive a wedge between two people that are deeply in love.

E

On doctors orders

So i finally went to the doctors about a swelling on the side of my toe thats got nastier and more painful for a few weeks now and he barely glanced at it before saying, 'yep, ingrown toenail that's caused an infection'. Bollocks.

So now i can't go for a run until its completely healed so as not to antagonise it. That could be 3 weeks away... Looks like ill be going to the gym more often to compensate, then.

When you are inhibited from running exercise, every day is upper body day! (Or every other day, as the case may be.)

I asked the Gym-fanatic friends what could help me put on weight (muscle, not fat, so don't tell me to just eat mcdonalds!) and they advised whey protein. Essentially, high-protein nesquik. I think its a great idea personally, muscle-man-milkshakes, but it doesn't work for everyone, so we'll just try it and see.

Its not cheap on the high street (h&b sell it for £39.99 per 350g tub) but hey, thats what amazon's for! (£32.00 for 2275g!)

E