What happens in Aberystwyth...

Lol JK, anyway I've decided I'm not going to drink for a year.

It'll be east for me because I don't really like alcohol, at all. It's taste, what it does to people, how people think they'll find happiness, fulfilment, distraction or good-times at the end of it.

Think of it as long-term detox. I'd it's easy and I enjoy refraining from it, I may continue it for life.

I find myself tempted to text madly. Of course, I'm drunk right now (shots with my brother in Wales) but I'm not stupid.

Still don't find a single girl other than her attractive, despite her never coming back and me fully deciding to walk away with no hopes for anything other than a life without her...

Here we go, I guess...

E

Final hurdles

It's been a good week for getting through the final hurdles of moving elsewhere with my life.

I had the week off of work do I saw lots of people. Most wanted to talk about love life and, if they had known her, the current 'maddy situation' (if there is one.)

Nan asked for a recap of why we split up. Maddy loved my Nan Ange and Ange loved Maddy. I think it made man a bit sad when I told her she'd broken up with me.

I told nan; we didn't speak for two weeks, despite maddy asking to almost daily. Nan frowned, and said 'Is that it?'

Apparently, that happens sometimes, and people get through it. She said its almost normal. She added that 'Uni changes  people...they've a new sense of freedom and get new people added to a new life...she probably met someone else.'

That did make me think, this new bf of hers (weirdo dr who wanabe); maybe she started liking him when I was still with her. Hell, she found herself attracted to one of her new friends in the first couple of weeks that she was there, she informed me of it.

Also yeah, i didn't talk to her for a while, and I said I was sorry for that and should have explained that u wanted some time alone to think about things (I REALLY needed time to think, I tell you now), but I didn't cheat on her, I didn't lie to her, I didn't take anything away from her...and we were best friends, and best friends fight/disagree/disappoint sometimes, this is a fact of life.

Saw Beth again also, who reminded me, 'If she really loved you, she'd have forgiven you.' Which is true. If she fell in love with who she thought was mr. perfect, this was her time to learn that that wasn't who I was, and it's not who I'll ever be.

Relationships aren't about one person, they're about both people. And yet, the fact that I didn't like one of her new friends, Plus the fact that she didn't suss that I needed some space to think and breathe (I had a nervous breakdown, readers!) and just say that she'd be there for me when I wanted to talk OR get on a train to come and make sure I hadn't disappeared, PLUS the fact that she said she'd need lots of time alone after us and went off with this fella from uni a Month after we broke up PLUS the fact that she won't talk to me now when I try to be reasonable, civil, brief and ask this only after months of waiting for a response to my last message - this all shoes me that I am NOT a bad person. This ended NOT because I did anything wrong. That she is NO better than me, that I am worth SO much more than who she is now, and that I NEVER neglected, mistreated of undervalued what I had with her.

I may not have been perfect, but she turned out to be a damned sight worse than me. And that's why I'm not going to wait for her anymore. My door will not anymore always be open to her and my confidence will no longer be shattered by her abandonment of me. And i will no longer be addicted to a nostalgic fantasy that brings about an addiction to clutching at straws for her attention.

Goodbye, and sort your fucking life out.

E

Birthday!

BIRTHDAY.

Today's ma birthday =D

Par-Tay is tomorrow, BBQ on the sotn common. I wonder if it'll be a repeat of my 18th...

Fifty people crammed into my small house, all drunk, all breaking things and each other, arguing over wether to watch the football or the Eurovision, drink-endused clingy girlfriend (which of course I now miss), best mate hurling in the nearest hedgerow, sticky floors, que for the toilet...

Believe me, it may be something I don't want to do again, but I DEFINITELY wouldn't trade the memory of it for the whole world.

E

Did it!

27:57:20 - run.

Yeah muthafuckaz!!!

....ok the choice of vowel to address readers was a little out of character, but you get the point.

As well as impressively sized legs, pecs and washboard stomach are making an entrance to my anatomy. Woop woop!

E

3 seconds off of beating 28 minutes now, with a run time of 28:03:00.

Roll-on Monday's run!

Y jumping stilts arrived. Think shoes with springs mounted to your calve muscles that end 1ft below the feet. Awesome things.

Yes, I'm bound to fall. A lot. Violently. And this is another idea to boost my chances of becoming batman ;)

E

The Letters

She wrote me these silly little letters that I absolutely loved. And we used to hide post-it notes for each other a lot. She wrote them more than I did but I think she liked it that way, being a writer and all. Still, they all make my heart sink now, because of how much I miss her, whereas they always used to make me so glad. One can even bring me to tears every time. So I've decided I'm going to return them.
To me, they're memories I'll always cherish, but they aren't from the same heart any more. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes she'll read them and have some sort of awakening love in her heart that will suddenly bring her back. But mainly, it's to help me move on. Trying to do that now, because I could well be hung up over her for the rest of my life, but that's not how I want to be. I'd happily love her for the rest of my life, but I can only do so if the feelings mutual. So here goes. Another step into the unknown of my now nearly-directionless life.
I'll pop it round whenever I feel up to it; then of course I'll run like hell.

Elliot

[Posted 13-9-12]

Lake Vyrnwy is calling out

I've been really frustrated lately. Feels like anger, brought about for no reason and aimed at everything/everyone. Gawsh, I don't even know why.

Work sucks, a mixture of not enough work to do and too much work to do, which shouldn't make sense. I'm incredibly lonely. I hate the way I'm living day to day now.

I've started relying on materialistic things to try and make me happy, which hasn't done the job at all. For instance, I always wanted to get some comic books (Batman, Dredd, Daredevil), but I read them and feel crap, telling myself 'that was a waste of time and money'.

Running helps. I read somewhere that excersise is our natural anti-depressant. Well that's true until a little while after you've finished, especially when your not getting better very quickly, and the results of said excersise aren't yet visible on your physical build.

Biying a punch bag really helped too. I hang it out under the garden's wooden fascia thing and just go through that week's Tai Kwan Do lesson on it. The great thing is that when you settle into the rhythm of your punching and kicking, you begin to focus on the art and remove the random frustration from your well-being. Still get nackered after a few combos but I'm getting somewhere with it, definitely.

Miss her a lot. 

Going up to Wales soon (twice) - to see my bro in Abaryswyth at the end of the month (31st - 2nd) with our friend Mr. Varney, and then to my Favourite place on earth with Nath, Katharine and other-Mike from 7th - 9th; Lake Vyrnwy, Llanwddyn. I look forwards to it.

Without Mad, it's one of the very few things that can clear my mind and heal my soul. A perfectly tranquil place. I literally found my home there. I've never felt more connected to a place of more at peace with myself somewhere than at the banks of that place. So quiet, so beautiful, so hidden away and riddled with secret treasures all around it.

All this after a week off for my birthday wood-woop!

- Ellie

Through the Gates

On my walk home from work yesterday, I stopped outside of my old college. I realised that the last time I had walked through those gates, I was hand-in-hand with her, giggling about our in-hand exam results, talking about how she was going to get accepted into her choice uni. I was happy with what I got, standard C's and B's, but I was most proud of her and wanted her to shine.
I can't say that I didn't want her to go to uni here just a little bit, but she knew she wanted to go to bath. I remember she cried with me more than once, worried that the distance would have torn us apart...I still don't think that's what did it. Besides, if she was That worried about, or didn't believe that we'd be ok that far away, then she would have stayed. I'm glad she didn't, she followed her dream and went to a beautiful city.

I walked through the gates. Wondered what I'd say to my former self if I met him as I walked in and he walked out. I think there'd be too much to say in one walk home. I'd probably just do the whole Back to the Future thing...
'Its your kids [Elliot], something's got to be done about your kids!'
That would work. Especially seeing as I'd know what we wanted to call any potential offspring. Weird discussions, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

It was six months to the day on Saturday that she left me. She's still the most beautiful and special person I know and love. Sad day it was.

E