Miss her again

Probably just a phase, brought on by a dream she was in last night.

Whats it been, 8 months now?

I do wander if she ever thinks of me in any way. If she hates or loves me. If she'll ever speak to me again. Im praying that she does

E

New Personal Best

25;54;10

Watch this space!

Note: you get funny looks when you run in a megadeth vest.....

E

Musical Summer

Wishing i had gone to download this year, I've gone on a spending spree of gig tickets this week. An expensive hobby, but its because my fave bands are/have been, coming to town

First of all, Christian Heavy Metal/Reggae Funk/Hip-Hop monsters POD (who played download in front of 3000+ people) played the Cellar last week (capacity 150). 70 people attended, including me and my brother. One of the best gigs of my life, spitting distance away from one of the most influential believers and preachers i have ever known.

Now I've just bought tickets for my first welsh stadium show (aka gig in 'another country'... it counts! they charge you to cross the boarder bridge!) and its for Alter Bridge WOOHOO who are being supported by Shinedown and Halestorm YEAHH - going with nathan and mr.varney. We're taking the train because i will definitely be drinking, and we'll also need to ask Lenny Henry where the nearest premier inn is...

Also, my first gig at Wembley (EEK!) and its - Dream Theater!!!!!!!

My fave band in the world - my hero of a guitarist - in the most awesome venue - and we're soooo close to the front!

Driving to this one and no hotel as train and hotel in london are Expensive (although, its in February, after the new album, so if i book real far in advance it could be quite cheap...) going with Nathan.

Funny part is, its on valentines day. Lol, sorry Katharine, stealing your Bf for the day =P

Oh, and as an update for ya, we have officially started recording, drums and all!!! Hinged are a-go once more...

E

Served purpose

I think the blog's getting to the end of its tether now, Interweb. I'm through everything i needed help to get through now, after 9 long months (ish). Heck, i even asked someone out over the weekend (it was a no, but i was happy that i had the confidence and the attraction to someone required to ask them).

This helped me to say stuff 'out loud' and i feel I've said enough, if not everything. Getting better, getting happier, getting...there.

For now, consider all coming updates to be less regular and briefer. Thankyou if you've read even one of my posts (although it'd be weird doing that because a Lot of context is needed), but i understand that the blog was more for me to write things down than to cry for attention.

E

Stranger's Wisdom

Ive been reading an article on bbc about a man not much older than me who committed suicide after his girlfriend left him. He had development issues, not dissimilar to that of autism, (at least showing aspects of introvertism) which is something i don't have but have seen in some people i have both befriended and met in life.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22854301

Its called 'Barney's Story' or 'Viewpoint: Losing a son to suicide'

The author, his father, mentions that, "When he fell deeply in love again, he seemed to retreat from the world at large, devoting his whole self to his beloved."

I too did this. Maddy becamewhat my   everyday was about, as previous dreams/aspirations were relegated to 2nd place as i wanted the simple but fantastic dream of a life with hermore and   more every day. I saw her daily, at college, at work or elsewhere of course, because that was how we wanted to be, which greatly furthered our relationship and strengthened our feelings. The world   outside of our shared fortress didn't matter much, if at all, because all my love was given over to her.

That's why it hurt so much when she ended it. Her world extended beyond me when she went off to Bath, and she chose not to carry me through into that place, despite only a few weeks before there were shared thoughts of an exciting life together in the city that we both loved the prospect of and made us think perfection was just around the corner.

And perhaps these sort of thoughts are the one this young man, Barney, was thinking of. Perhaps.

But the author, a middle-aged man who's been through it all, says, "When She, not unreasonably, wanted to spread her wings, Barney [our young man] resented the implication that he was not enough..." After this, he reacts in avery different way than i have following a big breakup, so any 'similarities' end here.

But what i got from this, is that here is a father, husband, elder, and someone who has lived, and continues to live, a life where he has learned when and how you grow. 'Not unreasonably' shows me that   maybe, i was still too young to want it all with Maddy. Maybe we were both still too much of a child and not yet enough of a man/woman to really be able to undertake a devoted relationship that could end up somewhere, without first making that jump from adolescent hormone-ridden teenagers to stable, never-to-overthink/dramatise-little-things adults.

So I'm not saying it was doomed to fail, I'm sure it didn't have to end at all; what I'm saying is that, as adolescents, made emotionally unstable by a world of pressure that says we should grow up as fast and as much as possible and have as much risky fun as we can, perhaps it is fully reasonable to still 'spread our wings' - to venture into the big, wide world and leave things behind. That's another reason why it was so much harder for me than for her; i wanted to stay in my Introvert world of 'this is my beloved, and i want nothing to change unless we plan for it!' - bit she decided the world was out there and Ellie no longer fitted into it.

Because of one mistake? My 'mistake' of needing space for a few weeks? No, no thats more normal than i realised.

Its not that there was 'someone else' for her, but more that there was 'something else' for her and i don't have the right to be angry about that; for a few more years, we are still deciding what to do and who to be, and she chose 'something else' over me. It happens, even if its not a mutual choice to spread wings and part.

Im getting there now. Finally.

E

Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do...

That's a song by the way.

Anyway, the point is that I'm not going to drink for about a year, starting next Monday.

I went to abaryswyth to see my brother and got completely gazebo'd on these drinks called Death Stars, plus some pints and Bacardi. Unnnggg...

I realised I rarely drink, and when I do, I drink too much. Most drink I tolerate anyway, so ya know.

So after this weekend (we're going to the lake Vyrnwy, woo!), where a lakeside BBQ and Shandy will be appreciated, I'll be a non-drinker for a year, hopefully.

This means no champagne on Xmas, no cider at Easter, no booze on holidays and no shots on birthday bashes. And I think I'll be better off for it.

The more I see my mates end up stupefied and paralytic due to alcohol consumption, the more I hate the way of the world; 'drink to get drunk'. Idiotic.

Joined a gym with Gideon. Thing is, Samson's Gym is full of tank-men. Scary, until they politely ask you to share reps with them and they advise you on the best movements for muscle training. I still feel like a fudging twig in there though, but I can run faster and longer on the running machines than any of the muscle men there. And the staff is mostly good looking girls.

Actually, a female gym goer started talking to me, and I thought she was cure - until she started lifting double the weight that I can!

Getting better tho :)

E